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“What are his intentions with you? Based on what I saw on the internet—all those women—I’d say not a damn thing.”
I take a deep calming breath. “He’s going to be a good father.”
“He’s worldly, Yasmine. I tried to shield you all your life from ungodly influences.”
“You mean ungodly influences like my mother?”
“She would have ruined you.”
“She was my mom.”
“Not a very good one,” he quips.
“You weren’t thinking about that when you paid her for sex.” The words feel good coming out of my mouth, but now I wish I could take them back.
“Who told you that?”
“Is it true?”
His silence is his yes. “I was lost,” he finally says. “We both were. But I didn’t know she was using at the time.”
“How can you judge me when you have your own skeletons?”
“I wanted more for you. When I found out I had a daughter, I didn’t hesitate for a second to bring you home. And I promised before my God that I would protect you from the environment you came from.”
“I love you, Dad. And I appreciate everything you’ve given me. But she was my mom.”
“Do you really appreciate all I’ve done for you? Because I almost lost everything because of you.”
A lump forms in my throat as tears fill my eyes. It’s not the first time he’s said this, so I’ve gotten better at not having his words penetrate too deeply.
Lock it away, Yas.
“And Gloria is your mother. She’s the one who raised you.”
“I know that. She’s my mom, too. But you guys always made me feel like I had to choose.”
“Tina didn’t even fight for you!”
I chuckle humorlessly. “Wow.” And just like that, my heart breaks into two halves.
“What kind of mother doesn’t fight for her own children? I’ve made mistakes. I won’t deny that. But I took you in. If it weren't for me, you would have gone into the system.”
“Admit it.”
“Admit what?”
“You hated her. You hated my mother.”
“I didn’t respect Tina. But I didn’t hate her.”
Oh please. He vilified her at every turn. “Yes, you did. And you only love the parts of me that are you.”
“How can you say that?” He sounds affronted, as if he hasn’t proven this time and time again. All of my shortcomings and my flaws have always been attributed to my mother, as though her blood taints me. I’ve never been good enough for him, and I never will be. When he looks at me, he sees her—the woman he wishes he could forget.
“How can I not? She was a prostitute, Dad! You used her. And she almost ruined everything in your life.” I need him to be honest with me.
He sighs heavily. “I don’t regret you. I’m just disappointed that you gave yourself to some slick-talking playboy.”
