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“Welcome to the third stage of the battle, my friends, when we would truly wreak havoc upon the land of sweets.”

Around her, all the mice men scattered around the snowy makeshift battlefield wheeze and clap, since they can’t exactly speak in the human way with their heads formed so. Even the actual mice running around in their creative bowties give little yips to support their master.

“That’s right,” their king says, even though there is no way he understands their intelligible speech. “We are now at a vital point in our plan of achieving world domination, an important crossroad in our path to success. One so great that the whole world would remember. As Juliet Caesar once said, I came, I come, I’m coming. TO CONQUER Y’ALL.”

Lily pouts, unimpressed. Uh, huh, are you finished already?

Nope, not so soon.

He goes on. “Now eat up all your protein bars, my friends, for we would need all the energy you can spare. Drink up the Gatorade that we’ll be handing out in a short while. Yes, I admit that the hours after this would not be easy. It would be rough, painful, even. But together, we can do anything. Remember the promise of free snacks for life that Fairyland can offer us. Remember the rivers of chocolate. Yay.”

That small yay after is totally unnecessary.

It might not be perfect, but still, his speech has more intellectual properties than Queeny’s ever did. Even her scripted ones.

More claps echo from the crowds of wrestling soldiers.

At the corner of her eye, Lily observes as the sugar plum fairy slaps the mouse head of a, well, mouse-headed man. He was unaware of her, clapping vigorously to his beloved leader, and was instantly knocked down unconscious by the regent’s iron fist.

Fernando turns to his underling for a second and snickers at the sight.

Again, he's a villain, so it is a necessity that he’s a total bitch with a cold, cold heart, more wintry than the winter wonderland he’s invading.

The rest of the alliances lag around on the ground, some flopping down out of their lack of stamina, others putting up puny fights with the little mice, which have now reached the front of the battlefield, while Fernando’s mouse generals take turns going back to the camp just behind to refill and refresh with a certain blue drink. They all come back with more energy than before, but their eyes glint with craze, and Lily wonders if the drinks are in fact laced with meth.

That way, the cronies would become steroid-fueled super soldiers in minutes, and would completely demolish her town.

Before she even has a chance to rule over it, which may never happen at all when she considers just how much power Queeny the Regent wields over the population.

In the midst of her kingdom getting sacked, Lily sure does have the time to wonder about their inner politics. Why she doesn’t just go into the camp on a suicide mission and stop them bitches from refueling their fucking tanks, she does not know.

But she’s the fairy queen, after all, the next in a long line of rulers.

Her ancestors must have felt just like her too.

So how did Fairyland even survive this for the past three thousand years, with its zero military, brain-dead rulers, and pathetic little cracker crumb huts?

How didn’t it just slide into the sea and fucking vanish like Atlantis?

Again, Lily-girl is none the wiser, and she has no idea.

While she spent the little energy she had left deep in thought, contemplating useless things, the mouse king gets up on stage again to order his men around since he is such an organized mastermind and all that. “Now, my brothers in arms, we are furnished, our thirsts quenched and our hungers satisfied. We are ready now to sack the land of sweets. Go forth and run, bastards.”

Maybe he’s not so formal with his troops, after all. He sure let that last part slip.

Lily watches as the mice turn and scurry away, back in the direction of the town. She rouses her man, who’s still resting on the floor. “We’re so cooked. Every, quick, let’s go stop ’em mice.”

“Huh.” He blinks his eyes open. “I just dreamt that we won.”

“Well, in reality, we’re losing, dude.”

“Fuck.” And his eyelashes grow longer. It takes a moment for Lily to realize that her man is slowly starting the shifting process into a bear, which would take ages.

But that’s alright—she’s a patient girl.

What.

This time, though, she’s wise enough to pick up the pink pantaloons he leaves behind.