Page 50

Sofía, the single mom

When we get back to camp, I make a point of keeping my distance from Cassie. It’s easy to do since she seems to be avoiding me too. She does it by clinging to Dave. For his part, Charles lingers by Raymond, trying to help as Raymond bats him away. Each time he catches me staring at him, I can see he’s worried I’ll say something to his husband. I shake my head no. I’m not out to ruin his marriage. I’m not out to ruin Cassie’s, either, even as I enjoy knowing I could.

If I’m being honest, there’s another emotion beneath the power, a more complicated feeling. I thought Cassie and I told each other everything. She never confided in me about Charles. I guess we were never as close as I assumed. Even with everything that’s happened, that hurts.

The afternoon becomes evening, and all the families are back at the campground, relaxing with what they are calling a sundowner. Bottles of wine have been uncorked. Beers cracked open. On my best days, I’m not much of a drinker. As I look around at the parents who have collected their camping chairs in the common area, I see no one I’d want to unwind with over a glass of chardonnay. Maybe it’s easier this way. I don’t have to pretend this is my community. Javi’s school can be Javi’s school. No more of these mom spa days and happy hours, not that I’ve gone to any of them. No more of these family camping trips.

Andrew, probably my least favorite of the doctors, likely because he’s a plastic surgeon and not the kind that works with burn victims or performs craniofacial surgery, has offered to lead a group up to Potato Harbor, where, he promises, we’ll see the most beautiful sunset of our lives. The last thing I want to do right now is climb up a cliff, but Javi’s begging me to go, and when I see Cassie across the way, clearly monitoring me, I tell Javi a hike sounds perfect.

We follow Andrew and Karthik, the other doctor on the trip, toward the white stone trail, River and the cool boys racing to keep up with them. I can feel the longing coming off Javi as he hangs back with me.

“¿Estás bien?” I put my arm around his shoulders, then think better of it. There are going to be more moments like this as he gets older, situations I only half understand, ones I can’t help him with because no one wants their mother to console them over social interactions, not even chiquillos lindos like my Javi.

Javi nods, kicking at the stone as we hike up.

“Hey, Javi.” My son glances up at River, a hundred feet ahead. “Come on, bra.”

Without hesitation, Javi charges up the path. I assume that River’s father, Andrew, has encouraged his son, but Andrew is at the front of our group, too far ahead to have directed his son to include mine. This makes me more certain that River did not contribute to Lily’s comment.

It’s a steady climb, steep enough that I am out of breath. Karthik is at the front with Andrew, comparing budget cuts at their respective hospitals, and all I can think is Try being a nurse with those budget cuts. I bring up the rear, making sure no one falls behind while also avoiding their conversation. Soon, the hill flattens out to a field of brown grass. It’s windy up here, nearly bringing me to a stop. I have to fight for every step as we continue to charge ahead. Then, out of nowhere, the ocean appears at the edge of the cliff. The sun splinters around a boulder in the water, and the angle of the light is nearly blinding. We all stop, awed by the beauty. It makes me want to fall to my knees and pray in a way I haven’t in years. Everyone’s having their own religious experience, even the boys, who silently stare at the scenery ahead.

“Come on,” Andrew says. “It’ll be even more awesome on the bluffs.”

We walk like nomads, single file, until the land ends at a sheer drop down to the ocean. Instinctively, I grab Javi’s shoulders to hold him back, but we’re a safe distance from the edge. So I let him run over to the other boys, who welcome him into their group, hugging their small bodies to protect themselves against a wind that is strong enough to knock them over. The sun is now a thin dome around the large boulder, a bright yellow close to the rock that fades to white as it stretches across the ocean. The boys debate whether the boulder looks like an eagle or a turtle, until one boy shouts, “A turd!” and they’re all hysterical. Javi glances guiltily at me, and I nod that it’s fine. He can make poop jokes with his friends. He can be a nine-year-old boy. Andrew guides me closer to the edge, closer than my heart can handle. He holds my shoulders, steadying me, and maybe I’ve been too hard on him and Karthik. There are plenty of doctors who see nurses as their peers. Plenty of parents who don’t view everyone by their job or status. Maybe Andrew and Karthik are nice guys. It’s not like I’ve taken the time to get to know them. Or any of the parents, for that matter, other than Cassie. Maybe there’s a place for me in this community too. It just wasn’t where I went searching for it.

When the boys start comparing the poops they’ve taken in the latrines, I’m relieved that Andrew says it’s time to head back. I give the sun a silent thank-you. It has almost entirely disappeared behind the boulder, other than its rays, which remain bright across the sky.

It’s still light when we return to camp. The wind is stronger here, too, than when we started this hike. Across the campground, the common area has been set up for the talent show, with blankets spread beneath the string lights. Some of the parents are setting up for dinner, while others are enjoying their drinks, ignoring the children who run wild at the center of camp. I take a moment to myself on the last slope of the trail as the boys race ahead to join in on a game of tag. Andrew and Karthik are already below, reaching into the cooler for a beer. I can feel the peacefulness of the sunset grounding me. Maybe I’ll even have a glass of wine.

Cassie appears out of nowhere, already yelling as she blocks the bottom of the trail. She sticks a finger in my face as her words come out hard and fast. She’s ranting, how I attacked Lily and almost made her drown. “What the hell is wrong with you?” she screams.

I swat her finger out of my face and try to pass her. The calm still courses through my body, but I can feel a heat blooming. I will myself not to engage. She bounces on her feet in front of me, angling her body to block the path.

“Cassie,” I say calmly. There’s a satisfaction in feeling so calm as Cassie rages before me. “I shouldn’t have splashed her, but I definitely didn’t try to knock her out of the boat. And unlike some people, I apologized. I took responsibility for what I did. Now, it’s up to Lily if she wants to forgive me.”

The dark is approaching quickly, making the camp look dirty in the fading light.

“I spoke to Lily. She said she never wrote any of that about Javi. That he makes stuff up all the time for attention.” Cassie smirks as the words she doesn’t say linger between us. Attention he doesn’t get at home. Cassie knows I feel guilty about the hours I work, about the concerts, the parades, and the parent-teacher conferences Ita goes to in my place. In the past she’s reassured me that it’s important for Javi to see me be independent. Successful. That I’m modeling what it means to be a strong woman. Now, she’s using my insecurities against me.

“Javi doesn’t lie. He didn’t even want to tell me about it. He was so upset, he couldn’t hide it.”

“My daughter doesn’t lie either.” Cassie clenches her jaw. “I’m not going to make her apologize for something she didn’t say.”

“Is that going to be your line, too, when everyone finds out you gave Charles Berg a blow job? ‘Sofía made it up. I’m not going to apologize for something I didn’t do.’” My voice rises two octaves. It sounds nothing like Cassie’s.

“Don’t threaten me,” she cautions. “I’m not someone you want as an enemy.”

“What are you going to do, Cassie, tell all the PO moms that I’m jealous of you? That really you feel sorry for me? Unlike Mona, I don’t care what any of these people think of me. You can’t hurt me.”

This is what happened with Mona, I realize. Cassie felt threatened, so she made everyone believe that Mona spread lies about Cassie’s brother to get back at her. She made me believe it too.

Cassie half smiles, a flash in her eye that tells me she can hurt me. She’s Cassie Bent, one of the most powerful parents at the school, and I am the mother of a son on scholarship. She doesn’t even need to threaten me to remind me of everything I stand to lose.

I can put up with a lot of things, but I won’t tolerate being threatened, even implicitly. As Cassie continues to wear that smug expression, I don’t think. I react.

“You know, I’d hate for Dave to find out what I saw. You may be able to convince all these other parents that I’m crazy. Dave knows me. And he knows you too.” I slip around Cassie so she can’t see my shock over what I’ve said to her.

And just like that, I walk away from Cassie Bent and whatever friendship we had.