Page 55 of Good Directions

A giggle bubbles up inside, uncontrollably spilling over. Drawing my knees into my chest, I feel like a teenage girl texting her crush, my insides all light and squishy, despite the anxiety mixed in over what I’m trying to admit.

Ummm…maybe?

Are you a virgin?

No, it’s not that

Promise not to laugh?

Promise

Alrighty…here goes…

I’m kinda afraid of oral sex…

Silence.

Or whatever the digital, text-message equivalent of silence is. Anton’s responses have been quick, as if he were sitting right here with me. Until that last one. As if that was the wrong response.

The longer this silence lasts, the more I think it might have been.

Three dancing dots appear, disappear, and then reappear so many times, I lose count. My head starts to spin, my stomach turning into a knot. Suddenly, opening the window seems like a really bad idea. And I haven’t even opened it all the way.

Sawyer, I don’t know how to ask this without sounding like an ass, so I’m just going to do it

Did something happen?

What?

It takes a second to fully register what he’s asking. Then it hits me. Like a two-by-four to the head.

No! No! Nothing like that!

Ok, I can breathe again then

I was about to have to go remove some limbs if you’d said yes

A smile tugs at the corner of my lips, the knot in my tummy starting to unfurl. His silence wasn’t because he was upset. At least not with me. But on my behalf. Shaking my head, I inch the metaphorical window open a little more.

No limb removal required.

I’m not a big fan of sex in general, and the whole idea of oral…really, any kind of foreplay…freaks me out to the point where I just freeze

wait, you don’t like sex?

not really

I expect another pause—a big one like before—and brace myself for it. Only this time, his response is locked and loaded.

I don’t know that I’ve ever met anyone who doesn’t like sex

you have now

So, I’ll understand if you want to rethink our agreement.

What?!

My thumbs start to move across the screen, typing as fast as I can. They are no match for my brain, fumbling and having to backtrack, deleting and fixing typos as I try to give Anton an out. The muscles in my chest constrict, my lungs burning from holding my breath as I try to get it all out.