Page 66 of Ash Fall

"I said no when he asked me yesterday." I fold my arms across my middle and look toward Mars again, standing beside the Jeep with his back to me. "And I meant it, Kar. He left me. I can't just forget that because I understand why he did it now."

"I'm not saying you should forget."

"I know." I scuff at the pavement with my boot while I struggle to explain something I barely understand myself. "But damn it, seeing him again brings back all these feelings I thought were gone. I really believed they were gone. For two years I turned loving him into hating him because that was easier than admitting how much it hurt that he left."

Kara stays quiet and gives me room to get through it.

"Now I don't hate him anymore, and all the other stuff is still under there." I press my lips together. "Then there's..."

The rest of it dies in my throat, and Kara's slow smile makes me want to rewind those last two words.

"Ah."

"There is nothing to 'ah' about, Kara."

"There's the other problem."

"There is no other problem."

"The feelings you have for every one of the of the guys and their feelings for you?"

My head jerks toward her. "I do not have feelings for all of them."

She laughs directly in my face.

"Kara!"

"Please. Remember who you're talking to."

"I know exactly who I'm talking to, which is why I expected more support and less mocking."

"This is support." She straightens away from the SUV and turns toward me. "Luna, there is no judgment coming from me. None. But I'm also not going to stand here and pretend I don't have eyes."

Heat starts creeping up my neck. "What does that mean?"

"It means not one of those men looks at you the way a friend looks at a friend, and you already know it."

My cheeks are burning now. "That's ridiculous."

"It's really not."

"What about Atlas?"

"What about him?"

"They were his friends. I'm his little sister."

"You're a grown woman who has been making her own decisions for a long time."

"That's not what I mean."

"I know." Her expression softens. "When your family died, everything changed, and those four built their whole lives around you. Something that size doesn't stay friendly."

My stomach flips, because part of me wants to deny every word while another part starts replaying a thousand small moments in a completely different light.

They never left, not one of them, not once, not even on the days I made it almost impossible for anyone to want to stay. My throat tightens, and then my brain helpfully reminds me of all the moments with each of them over the last two days that have felt different…more than the friendships we’ve had for so long.

"This cannot be my life."