Page 25 of A Christmas Wish for the Village Midwife

Shabana broke into a wide smile. ‘I wish I could keep a lid on it, but I can’t wait. I’m so excited to meet my baby; it feels as if I’ve waited my whole life for it.’

‘You’ve been through a lot to get there,’ Zoe said, ignoring the little voice she was beginning to know so well, the one that plaintively asked, Why not me? Why don’t I get to meet the baby I’ve longed for? ‘And you’ll be a great mum.’

‘I hope so. I’m going to try my best.’

‘I bet. Well, I have to…’

‘Of course,’ Shabana said, getting up. ‘Sorry, listen to me banging on and you just said you have loads of work to do.’

Zoe nodded. ‘See you at the meeting later,’ she replied with a brightness she suddenly didn’t quite feel.

5

The week had felt like a long one, and though Zoe was tempted to rot in bed for the whole of her day off, she dragged herself up, ate breakfast, and planned to suggest to Alex that they might go and get some air. In the end, they’d been so busy over the few days before that they’d barely had time to talk to one another about boring household things, let alone anything more meaningful. She didn’t know if Alex still wanted to, but she’d make herself available for it, and being out of the house by themselves would mean they could discuss Billie if they needed to.

She’d been sometimes distant since her return from Spain. It wasn’t so different from how she normally was, except for the fact that Zoe could see that it wasn’t just Billie being moody from time to time, but that she was working something out. Zoe could see the cogs turning whenever she sat and stared into space, or she snapped at someone, and she was more secretive about her phone than she’d ever been before. Alex had noticed too, perhaps not to the same degree as Zoe, but he’d made an ill-advised joke about the possibility of her having a boyfriend and Billie had exploded. The incident had been enough to shut him up, and Zoe didn’t blame him for being reluctant to ask if there was anything bothering her after that.

‘I always seem to get it wrong,’ he’d lamented to Zoe in passing as Billie went to put Louisa to bed and they cleared the kitchen together.

‘It must feel that way. I know you were only being playful, but maybe that wasn’t the joke she wanted to hear, considering she’s not long back from visiting Luis’s grave?’

He flushed, and Zoe felt desperately sorry for him. Nobody but Billie could understand what she’d been through – certainly neither of them because even though they’d both suffered losses too, it wasn’t the same. He was trying so hard – as he had been ever since the accident that had killed Louisa’s dad – but Zoe could see why he felt he never found the right things to say.

This morning, she hoped they would all have some space to take a breath and ponder the things that felt so difficult to say to one another. Zoe had been grappling with problems of her own, as well as those that Billie and Alex’s difficult relationship presented. She’d come to a decision finally – one that she’d tentatively aired, one that Alex had asked her to reconsider. She had, but her feelings remained unchanged. She just had to find the right moment to tell him.

That moment presented itself as he went to get Grizzle’s lead.

‘I’m going to take him out for a run before lunch.’

Grizzle leaped up at him as soon as he worked out what was going on, claws clacking on the stone floor as he raced around.

‘I’ll come too if you can hang on and wait ten minutes for me to get my boots on.’

‘Right…’ Alex clipped Grizzle’s lead onto his collar. ‘There’s no rush. I’ll wait at the gate for you so he’s not leaping around all over the place in here. Do you think Billie will want to come?’

Zoe turned to the living room, where Billie was watching TV as Louisa took a nap. She lowered her voice. ‘I’m not sure,’ she said carefully, trying, without saying it, to make him understand that she didn’t want Billie to come because there were things she wanted to say that couldn’t be said with Billie there.

Alex took a moment and then nodded as if he’d got it. ‘I’ll see you by the gate then.’

When Zoe joined him, he was looking up at the sky.

‘I reckon that’s a kestrel or something,’ he said. ‘Up there, look. I don’t know; I’m not very good at recognising them. Victor said someone was trying to reintroduce eagles here.’

‘In the Lakes?’ Zoe looked doubtful. ‘I didn’t think they’d ever been native here.’

‘I suppose they must have been at one time. It’s all part of this rewilding idea that other people are already on board with, that the land ought to go back to the way it was before farming changed it so much.’

‘Yes, well, there are still a lot of farmers here who wouldn’t agree that it ought to. And before you start, that’s not me saying you’re wrong, or any of the people who want to do this stuff are wrong. I’m just saying there has to be room for everyone.’

He smiled at her. ‘I think you should have been a diplomat.’

‘Oh, right because I never put my foot in it.’ Zoe let out a light laugh.

‘If you do, you’re charming enough to get away with it, and isn’t that the way most diplomats work?’

Zoe blinked and then laughed again. ‘OK, I suppose I’ll take that. Where do you want to walk? Which way? I think the lower fields might be boggy, given how much it’s rained.’

‘It’s a world away from last year…’ Alex opened the gate for her. ‘All that snow – remember? I doubt we’ll get any at all this year. I really hope we do. Let’s go up towards the paddock – should be dry enough up there.’