Page 26 of A Christmas Wish for the Village Midwife

‘Not too close to Victor’s herd.’

‘No, of course not. Though Grizzle doesn’t bother with them now like he used to.’

‘No, but the pregnant one…’

‘Yeah, I get it. Don’t want to spook mum. I forgot about that…’

They began to trudge up the hill, where streams of rainwater trickled down the path from the higher ground ahead. The bird Alex had been watching at the gate was circling overhead, buoyed by thermals high above them. And then, in a startling instant, it fell into a screeching dive, swooped down on something they couldn’t see and then shot back into the sky, a dark shape dangling from its beak. Zoe watched the drama unfold, Alex silent by her side. She liked this new phase of the relationship. They’d wandered into it with barely a fanfare, the point at which they didn’t have to fill every moment with something meaningful, where simply being in the same space was enough. It felt like progress, and whenever she felt less certain of where they were as a couple, it was comforting that they could do this.

‘I was thinking I might climb Scafell Pike.’

Zoe whipped round to stare at him. ‘Where did that come from?’

‘Why not? We’ve got into walking lately, and it’s close by. Why wouldn’t I climb it?’

‘I don’t know. You just never mentioned you had a pressing urge to climb any mountain before. I mean, yes, we like walking, but there’s a slight difference between blowing the cobwebs out on the road between our place and Daffodil Farm and scaling an actual mountain.’

‘It’s not that high. It’s just like a big hill, really.’

‘I’ll remind you of that when you’re stuck up there waiting for mountain rescue to bring you down.’

‘I’d be careful, and I’d get some practice walks in. It’d be fine. I might even ask Billie if she wants to do it with me… I’m assuming from your comments that you don’t want to have a go.’

‘I can’t say the prospect excites me, but if you want to do it, don’t let me stand in your way. I have to be honest, I can’t see Billie being keen either.’

‘But she might. She likes a challenge, and she likes the outdoors.’

‘To a point. How long would it take to do, though? I don’t think she’d want to leave Louisa for hours on end, even if she got to walk up a mountain with you.’

‘Not just any mountain, though – England’s highest.’

‘Even so. I have to ask again, what on earth has made you suddenly want to climb it?’

He gave a vague shrug. ‘It just came to me one day. We don’t see much of the Lake District, do we? I’ve been here more than a year, and I’ve barely seen anything beyond Thimblebury. Are you sure you wouldn’t want to come with me? It could be a challenge, something we can train for together.’

‘I’d have to think about it. I don’t have as much free time as you do right now, with the camping site hibernating until next spring. If you want to see more of the area in general, though, we could try to make time for that. I’ve never said I was against a few trips out.’

‘I know. And I know we haven’t got out much because we’ve been busy and there’s been a lot going on, but now things have calmed down, I think it’s time we did discover more of the area.’

‘Hmmm. Is this the same as you wanting to contribute to the area? Like the rewilding thing?’

‘I suppose it must be. I just want to feel like I belong. That we all belong… me and Billie and Louisa… and you… And to a certain extent, that the area belongs to us too.’ He turned to hold her in a searching gaze that she felt before she realised it. ‘Don’t you sometimes feel like you’re only a visitor? Like you don’t really belong, no matter what you do or how long you’ve lived here? I sometimes feel like I’m on a massive holiday and at some point I’ll have to go home.’

‘So if this doesn’t feel like home, where does? Where do you think you’ll have to go back to? Essex?’

‘I don’t know,’ he said doubtfully. ‘Perhaps. Spain. We were happiest there, if I’m honest. Certainly, Billie was. Happier than when we first came back to the UK, I mean. Of course, I’m happy now, here with you. But even Spain wouldn’t feel like home any more. Not to me anyway. There’s nothing in Spain for me. I wish I could tell you, but I don’t know that I feel strongly I belong anywhere these days. I suppose Hilltop is the closest I’ve felt to settled in a long time, but I’m still not quite there.’

‘What do you think it is that’s stopping you feeling settled?’

He shook his head slowly, and there was no answer for at least a minute. Overhead, another bird of prey circled… the same one they’d seen earlier? Something different? Zoe couldn’t tell. Grizzle sniffed at the ground ahead, pausing to take in the shape too, before turning back to his snuffling in the long grass.

‘It’s nothing to do with us?’ Zoe asked, unnerved by the gap. ‘You and me. We’re OK, aren’t we? Because I thought⁠—’

‘Maybe it’s because life has never felt quite settled since I got here. And that’s not your fault at all, before you get defensive.’

‘I’m glad to hear it, and I wasn’t about to get defensive. Unless there’s something you think will make me that way and so you daren’t say it.’

‘It’s just that there’s always some drama. First, it was Billie and her pregnancy, and then all the stuff last Christmas… your dad, and then those guests at the campsite and V coming back into my life and all the trouble that brought, and… I should shut up, shouldn’t I?’