Page 47 of The Intimacy of Control

I wondered if I’d ever find a love like that one day.

For a second—a single split second—Forrest came to mind at that thought. Forrest would open my door for me if I couldn’t do it. He’d hold me if I couldn’t keep myself standing.

What a desperate thought for someone so terrified of falling in love.

We made it to the front door, but we just stood there. Cal wasn’t moving, and neither were we. The way he was staring at the doorknob, not reaching out for it, but standing there as if it would break him if he got too close, brought up an almost identical memory.

The same memory I’d had of standing outside of Grandma’s house, too scared to even walk up the front steps. I’d seen her wheeled out of the house on them. She’d been taken out on a stretcher, an EMT on either side of her as they raced to get her into the ambulance. The wheels had caught on the steps, making her entire body shift as they hoisted her over them.

I’d been in such a state of shock, it took me a few minutes to realize I’d needed to get in the car to follow them. When I finally had, I’d raced the entire way there, hazards flashing as I broke the same amount of traffic laws the ambulance did.

There was nothing they or the doctors could’ve done to save her. I never got to hear her final words. I never got to listen to her last breath. I didn’t hold her in my arms as Cal had done to his grandpa. Some days, I regretted it. Other days, I was thankful for it. Honestly, I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to make it past the memories if I’d been there.

After about five minutes of nothing, Callum finally reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. His hand trembled as he put it into the lock and turned it, pushing against the door to open it.

Tobi and I followed inside silently. The AC hadn’t been turned on in months, which made the house smell stale and dusty. I found the thermostat off to the side and turned it on to get some airflow going.

“I don’t know where to start.” Callum turned in a circle, surveying everything around us.

Tobi walked forward, holding his hand out. “Maybe we should start toward the back and work our way up. What’s the furthest room in the house?”

“Um. The basement. He rarely went down there since he had a hard time walking. I’m sure it’s dirty and full of random shit.”

“Then we start there.” I gave him what I hoped was a comforting smile. He’d turned his head, staring toward the kitchen like he was reliving the day all over again. “Whatever we get through, we get through. Whatever we don’t, we don’t. But we’ll be here every step of the way.”

Callum nodded but didn’t give us much else. Not that I’d expected him to.

There were only a few more boxes to haul upstairs after going through them. Callum sat on the floor, going through everything in them himself. He’d said he wanted to go through them alone since we’d helped him go through the rest. If that was what he needed, then we were happy to oblige.

Tobi sat down next to me on the other side of the room. “Thanks for helping us do this. It’s been weighing on him a lot.”

“Of course. I’d do anything for him. I’d do anything for you, too. You know that, right?”

He nudged my shoulder. “I do. I don’t think I’ve properly thanked you yet, actually.”

“For what?”

“For kickin’ my ass into gear. I never would’ve gone over to see Cal that day if you hadn’t told me to stop making him find me. I was right on the edge, y’know?”

I shook my head. “That was all you. I pushed you a little, sure. But that was all you. You were ready.”

“I didn’t know I was ready, though. I kept thinkin’ about it. Getting sober. I wouldn’t have detoxed if I hadn’t had your voice in my head.”

“I was kind of an ass.”

“And that’s exactly what I needed. You were thinking of Callum. I was hurting him, and you were trying to protect him while also tryin’ to make me see what I was doing.” He sighed. “I was so deep in addiction, I couldn’t see how much harm I was doin’. Well, I could, but I didn’t care. I thought that’s all I was. But you reminded me of who I used to be to Cal, and that… It led me back to him. So. Thank you, Jack.”

I tilted my head back, staring at the ceiling. It was nothing but dirty concrete with tiny cracks all throughout, like spiderwebs had embedded themselves in the mixture before it’d hardened. “I know all too well how alcoholics view the world. I see them every day. I’ve seen hundreds try and fail a hundred times over. I’ve seen them die. I’ve seen them live. I’ve seen both sides of the same sad, tragic coin.” Shaking my head, I turned to him. “I had no idea if you’d actually listen to me, but I had hope. No matter how angry I sounded, I still had hope, and I was right to have it. I’m really proud of you. You’re part of the small percentage of people I’ve seen turn their lives around and truly stick to it.”

His eyebrows turned down, his lips following suit almost immediately. There was a twinkle in his eyes that hadn’t been there moments before, right behind his glasses. “Thank you for bein’ Callum’s friend while I was gone. It makes me feel a hell of a lot better to know that he had you.”

I definitely wasn’t planning on tearing up today. But I did. I did, and I couldn’t say I was mad about it. Biting on my lower lip, I cleared my throat to keep from showing how choked up that’d gotten me. “Being Cal’s friend is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I wasn’t there the whole ten years you guys were apart, but I’ve been lucky enough to know him for as long as I have. He’s got a really big heart.”

“He does. Being in Callum’s heart is a special place. I have a question, though.”

I tilted my head. “What is it?”

Tobi glanced at Cal, then back at me. “I guess it’s more of a statement. But I think bein’ in whoever you’re seeing’s heart would be special, too.”