Page 59 of The Intimacy of Control

Jesus, I was pathetic. Chasing after him like I had when I knew there was no chance in hell. I’d really thought he was serious. I thought I’d gotten through to him. I thought he’d chosen me over whatever was holding him back—but maybe nothing was holding him back. Maybe he wasn’t scared. Maybe he didn’t like me as much as I liked him.

I really fucking liked him.

I let my eyes fall shut, a few tears escaping them as they crawled down my cheeks. My eyelashes stuck together, making it hard to even open them.

My first real heartbreak. I was supposed to have one when I was a teenager, just starting to figure myself out. I thought I’d understood after breaking up with a partner when I was twenty-four. They were my entire heart and soul, despite only dating for a year. I thought we were so deeply in love that we’d be together forever.

They’d gone and fallen in love with someone else, utterly shattering my heart and everything I thought I’d planned out for the future.

I wish Jack had fallen in love with someone else. That might’ve been easier because then there was someone I could compare myself to. If the other person had been smarter or more determined, or an overall better fit—hell, if he’d found someone his age that he wanted to be with, I would’ve understood. It wouldn’t have hurt as badly.

My first real heartbreak. I thought he was the one. I thought we were going to be forever. I thought… I thought… I’d deluded myself into thinking there was something there wasn’t. Jack had told me that from the beginning, and I was the one who’d chosen to ignore it.

Fuck. I needed to get to the store. I didn’t have time to wallow over him. No matter how desperately I wanted him. No matter how fucking broken I felt. No matter how much I wanted to crawl under my blankets and pretend like nothing else existed but the pain in my heart.

Hopeless goddamn romantic. Riv had been right all along.

My nose didn’t look too awful, though I fully expected it to start bruising within the next day or so. My eyebrow, on the other hand, needed major TLC. I tried to gently use a Q-Tip and saline solution to wipe away the blood that’d dried around the piercing balls. It was almost no use with how swollen and angry it was. I’d just have to leave it alone and hope it healed itself. There was already a bruise forming underneath it and along my upper eyelid, giving me a perfectly gross-looking black eye effect.

Some glass had scraped my arm, too. They only looked like scratches, thankfully. No glass had stuck into my skin, really. I was sure it was a big mess for Jack to clean up after, though.

That didn’t matter. I’d lost Jack in the glass that’d shattered, and it looked like Jack had almost lost Tobi in it, too. I hoped Tobi was okay. Maybe I should ask.

No. No, I definitely shouldn’t ask.

I made myself finish getting ready, donning a big hoodie since it was pouring rain outside. Rain season had officially started in Crescent Planes, and now it would continue until it felt like it’d never stop. I always got so sick of the rain. I preferred it when the sun was shining, and the grass was swaying in the slight breeze that made the heat bearable enough.

Pride and Pages was dead. Not a damn soul alive except Andros. Great. Today was going to be great.

I walked through the door with a forced smile. Andros looked up from his phone, immediately honing in on my face. “Whoa. Who’d you piss off?”

Sighing, I walked to the counter, leaning against it. “I actually didn’t piss anyone off. I don’t think, anyway. He was just a bit scared.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Scared did all that? Damn, boss man. Don’t tell me it was cute, older guy.”

“No. Jack didn’t do this.”

“But?”

“But what?”

He put his hands on his hips, tilting his head. “You look like a kicked puppy whose heart got broken. Something happened.”

Andros was incredibly observant. That was great when it came to his job. But not as great when he looked at me a little too closely and saw all the shit I wasn’t saying. Little fucker. “Jack and I aren’t a thing anymore.” I shrugged. “No big deal.”

His perfectly curled lashes fluttered as he simply blinked at me. “No big deal? Uh, that’s a huge deal. You’ve been chasing him for, like, forever. What the hell happened?”

“You’d have to ask him. He was the messenger; I was the receiver.”

“Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, boss. You don’t think you still have a chance if you went for him?”

“No. I don’t think so.”

“That’s so unfair. I was rooting for you.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “If I recall, you were the one who was doubting me at first.”

“Yeah, ‘cause I know you. I didn’t want something like this to happen. I thought he really liked you since you guys kept seeing each other.”