Page 80 of Serve ’N’ Protect

I wish.

If only human problems could be dealt with as easily as canine ones.

On his lap, Joey stirred then yawned as he woke.

“Help me up.” Trista inched to the edge of the chair while Matt placed his arm around her back, assisting her to a standing position. “Why don’t I take Joey into the kitchen for a little snack while you boys talk? C’mon, sweetie.”

Joey took his mother’s hand and rolled off Markus’s lap, stopping to pet Ghost’s and Sheba’s heads before following Trista into the kitchen. Matt sat in the chair Trista had vacated.

“Anyone heard from Jamie?” Markus asked. If there were any two people on the planet he could talk to, it was Kade and Matt. Still, he wasn’t ready to spill his guts.

“Nope.” Kade shook his head. “He’s gone dark. Again. I even called the Port Authority precinct at JFK. The only thing they told me was that he was on TDY, but they wouldn’t say where. And he’s not answering his cell.”

“You work for Spook Central,” Markus said to Matt. “Jamie doesn’t do undercover work, so what does it mean when a cop keeps going dark while on temporary duty and his agency clams up?”

Matt tapped his finger on the arm of the chair. “It does scream deep cover. Maybe even black ops. Although, why a Port Authority K-9 cop would get involved in something like that, I can’t figure.”

For a long moment, they remained silent. Out of all of them, Jamie was by far the more garrulous and communicative of the bunch. For him to go incommunicado like this was so far out of the norm, it was enough to leave them speechless.

Markus’s cell phone vibrated. It was Kelly, his sister. He let the call go to voicemail.

“So,” Kade said, finally breaking the silence. “What’s with Cassidy?”

Markus curled his fingers tighter around the beer bottle. Steven had always drilled into him that talking about feelings was a waste of time and a sign of weakness in a man. But it wasn’t. Markus had majored in philosophy and psych but only now realized how wrong Steven was. About everything. Markus had just been too emotionally scarred to figure that out.

The truth was, his father’s arrogance and demand for perfection were fronts for his own self-loathing, and he spent his entire life projecting that sentiment on others. Including berating Markus’s job. Cassidy was right. His job was incredible, and he was damn lucky and proud to have it.

“I don’t know how to fix this. I fucked up.”

“How so?” Matt asked.

“She told me she loved me, and I choked.” Big-time. Like his father, he was so messed up he’d been unable to appreciate love when it was offered to him.

Kade grimaced. “Couldn’t say it back, huh?”

Nope. Markus shook his head. That awful, gut-sucking moment was burned into his brain so deeply his head hurt thinking about it.

“Did you want to?” Matt raised his brows.

“Yeah. I did.” For the first time in his life, he’d really wanted to. And the more time that passed since he’d been away, the more he wished he had. If he had, he wouldn’t be sitting on his ass, hiding from the truth. The fear of allowing himself to be vulnerable was still there and it terrified the hell out of him. But his head was such a mess that he couldn’t go back to his house, nor could he go back to Cassidy’s. He was stuck in no man’s land.

Yet, talking about it with his friends, even a little, solidified something for him. It was like someone had peeled off his emotional blinders then smacked him hard across both cheeks.

By Cassidy’s definition—and, more importantly, how he felt—Markus was undeniably, certifiably, and irrevocably in love with Cassidy.

But knowing it and choosing to do something about it were two different things entirely.

“So why don’t you go back and tell her?” Kade asked.

“Because it doesn’t change anything,” he growled, wanting to throw the beer bottle against the wall. “Just because I love her—” He swallowed. Something about saying the words out loud for the first time was shockingly more powerful than thinking them. “It doesn’t mean I won’t fuck things up again some other way like I always do. She’s already been hurt enough.” And so have I. “I can’t hurt her.” Or myself.

The devastation and pain in her eyes had kept him up nights and torn his heart to pieces. Maybe that was another part of loving someone. Doing what was best for them instead of for yourself.

Even if it kills you.

Man, he was just chock-full of sappy epiphanies tonight.

“Want my two cents?” Kade asked.