Page 115 of Down and Dirty

His mother, romantic that she was, despite having been two-timed by his father numerous times, sighed. “It’s just a shame that you had to find the woman of your dreams, only to lose her. Do you think a person can have two loves?” The latter she addressed to her ex-mother-in-law, his grandmother.

Is that a push-up bra my mother’s wearing? No, no, no, I am not noticing my mother’s assets.

“Of course,” his grandmother replied.

Geez, grandma looks good for her age, too. How old is she now? Seventy-five? No, seventy-six. Wonder if she’s had a face-lift? Hah! Who am I kidding? Everyone in my family has probably had plastic surgery, except my grandfather.

“Come to Hollywood with me,” his dad offered. “You and Sammy can stay in the guesthouse. I’ll introduce you to some women who’ll make you forget your own name, let alone a woman you only knew for a few weeks. Hey, I know. Lori, my housekeeper on Light in the Storm, is between husbands, and she used to be a Playboy bunny.” His dad leered at Zach, something a grown man did not want his father to do.

Are you kidding? I’ve seen Lori. She might have been a Playmate, but it must have been thirty years ago. Besides, I’m not into silicone.

Everyone glared at his father for his insensitivity.

“Isn’t that just like you, Victor?” His mother sneered. “Thinking with your zipper as usual.”

Oh, boy, here we go.

“Maybe if you’d paid more attention to my zipper, we wouldn’t be divorced.”

This is just like watching a Ping-Pong match. Duel of the divorcees.

“Grow up, Victor. You’re not sixteen anymore. And, by the way, your hair looks silly with those gray streaks.”

I was thinkin’ that myself.

“You know what’s silly, Lillian? You. Modeling for that geezer magazine. If that’s what acting my age is all about, no thank you.”

I think her new career change is cool.

The two of them were practically shaking with anger. A minute more of this, and they’d be clawing each other’s carefully made-up faces. Really, there was a reason why his mother and father were rarely in the same room together, and they were just witnessing it.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Zach stood, then sat down on the couch between the two of them. “This is accomplishing nothing.”

“I hate to say it, but Dad has a point.” Great. Danny was joining the other side. “You need to get laid.”

I do not believe he said that in front of our parents and grandparents. “You think the answer to everything is sex.”

His father, Danny, and Cage and Sly, who were leaning against the wall, all looked at him as if he was crazy. His mother, grandmother, and grandfather all got into a tsk-ing match.

“Seriously, Zach,” Cage said to him. “Britta is gone. Accept that, buddy.”

He hesitated, then nodded. “This whole freakin’ intervention crap is ridiculous… and unnecessary. I’m already making plans to move on.”

“Uh-oh,” Sly said.

“I’m quitting the teams.” He put up a hand to halt the protests that erupted. “I’m selling the town house. And I’m going into hiding with Sammy.”

“Where?” his mother wanted to know.

“I can’t say.”

“What do you mean, you can’t say?” His grandmother’s eyes narrowed with suspicion. Then she turned and glowered at his grandfather. “Did you have something to do with this?”

His grandfather’s cheeks flushed, but he raised his chin. “Zach asked for my advice. This isn’t what I would recommend, but if it’s what he wants, I can point him to the right people for help.”

Pandemonium broke loose, everyone talking at once.

“Hear me out, people. I’m leaving. Until Arsallah is out of the picture — and I mean dead — I can’t give Sammy a normal life. And he deserves that. So we’re going to disappear.”