Page 5 of Big Trouble

“It’s a labradoodle and you love Banana-Noodle.”

“Everybody loves Banana-Noodle, but I’m the one who has to get up i n the middle of the night and take her out to go potty. I don’t need more fucking animals in my life. In case you’ve forgotten about the chickens that do not even lay eggs.”

“I think those are called roosters.”

I flip my brother off.

Bryant points to another clause. “The nanny will not enter the master suite under any circumstances.”

“Three.” I hold up as many fingers. “Three of the previous nannies tried to climb into bed with me.”

“I thought it was only two?”

I scan my memory of the endless stream of faceless, nameless nannies. “One climbed into the shower with me. That counts.”

“You do know that a male nanny could still have breached that clause?”

“Seems less likely,” I say.

“There’s an entire gay contingency who look like you. They’re called Bears.”

“Okay fine. But it seems statistically unlikely I’d hire one.”

Bryan rolls his eyes. “The nanny shall not attempt to engage the employer in coloring, play-acting, singing, or any other form of whimsical play.”

I cross my arms over my chest. “You’re making me sound unreasonable. Each of these clauses is in there because some previous nanny used these tactics to worm their way into my life. And I don’t have time for this shit. Ever since mom and dad left on their extended tour of Europe, it’s been one nightmare after another. I need a nanny who will just focus on Clementine and stay out of my way between now and the beginning of the school year. But every nanny I’ve hired seems to think the job is an audition to be the next Mrs. Callahan.”

“You know, you could just get married, and that would solve this problem.”

“You know you could just fuck right the hell off.”

“I would happily do that. Then I could get some actual work done. But my idiot big brother keeps coming here and making irrational demands.”

“Can I fire her or not?”

“Not unless she breaks one of these clauses. Otherwise, you have no just cause to dismiss her.”

“Fuck my life.”

chapter

three

Official Rules for Wind from the East Nanny Service

Rule #3: In the case of disagreement, clients and nannies shall make every attempt to resolve the conflict amongst themselves. If the conflict can not be resolved, a mediator will be provided by the agency.

Brody’s take away: I can’t fire the nanny just because I want to fuck her.

Brody

I sit in my truck and stare off at the ridge line in the distance. That meeting had not gone as I wanted. Nothing too unusual, my brothers always piss me off for a variety of reasons. That said, they’ve always had my back, especially when it came to Clementine. I’m not telling the rest of them about the manny not being a man.

So instead, I pick up my phone and open the group chat with my single dad buddies.

ME: If I say the name Winslow to you, what do you think?

JACE: The 1840s.