Page 104 of Brain Damage

I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not true. Jamie and I are not together—not in that way. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but he hasn’t expressed the slightest bit of interest in me in that way ever since Clark’s arrest. Really, it’s a good thing. A relationship would be far too complicated now anyway.

A week after Clark’s arrest, I’m eating dinner in my room with Jamie next to me. We’re watching television like we usually do—an old episode of Friends. I hear a knock on the partially open door, and when it swings open the rest of the way, Dr. Williams enters the room. His tie has little brown teddy bears on it. When he sees me, his face crinkles up in a smile.

“Here’s our new superstar!” Dr. Williams says.

I feel my cheeks get hot, but actually, I’m really pleased about all the progress I’ve made lately.

“And I’ve got some more good news for you,” he says. “The neurosurgeon has scheduled your surgery for two weeks from now.”

I stare at him. “My surgery? Why do I have to have surgery?”

Dr. Williams laughs. “You want your skull back, don’t you?”

I reach out and touch my helmet. It’s been so long that I’d almost forgotten that getting my skull put back together was even a possibility. I was starting to think I’d be stuck with the helmet for the rest of my life. “But… how?”

“They made you a new skull,” he says. “It’s all ready for you.”

“That’s awesome,” Jamie exclaims, his brown eyes wide. “Charly, I’ll get to see what your hair looks like!”

I roll my eyes at him.

“I’m just going to take off your helmet for a moment,” Dr. Williams says. “I just want to take a quick look at your incision. So try not to fall, okay?”

“Can’t we do it later?” I ask.

I don’t want to admit it, but I’m reluctant for Jamie to see me with my helmet off. Yes, he’s seen me with it off once before and didn’t seem particularly disturbed. But that was a long time ago, before he was recovered. I’m pretty sure if he sees me now with half my skull missing, he’ll react the way Clark did. Anyone would.

“It will just take a minute,” Dr. Williams promises.

Before I can protest again, I feel him loosening the straps under my chin. Jamie is watching us with fascination. I feel the weight of the helmet lifting off my head and the cool breeze against my sweaty scalp.

“Yes,” Dr. Williams says. “That looks very well healed. And the craniectomy site is quite sunken.”

“Wonderful,” I say as I reach for the helmet.

I can’t even manage to look at Jamie. If he had even the slightest bit of sexual desire for me, I’m sure it’s now completely evaporated.

“So like I said,” Dr. Williams continues, he helps me strap the helmet back in place. “Your surgery will be in two weeks, and you’ll leave straight from here to go to the hospital.”

“And will I come back here after the surgery?” I ask.

The smile fades slightly from Dr. Williams’s face. “No, we discussed it and we think the best thing is for you to go directly to a nursing facility after your surgery.”

“But Charly is doing so great now,” Jamie speaks up.

“We think it’s for the best,” Dr. Williams says. “But don’t worry. You’ll get home soon. I’m sure of it.”

I’m not so sure. I’m getting better faster now because I’m getting so much therapy. But I won’t get nearly as much in a nursing home. Maybe I will get home eventually, but I can imagine being stuck there for months, maybe even years. Or maybe I’ll never leave, and that will be my home for the rest of my life.

“Okay,” I finally say.

It’s obvious that no matter what, I don’t have a choice in the matter. But it’s okay. I’ll make it home eventually. I’m determined.

Dr. Williams rests his hand briefly on my shoulder then bids me good night, leaving Jamie and me alone to finish our meals. I look over at Jamie, who is calmly eating his chicken a la king like nothing even happened. He isn’t screaming in terror or running to the bathroom to retch. In fact, he doesn’t seem at all rattled by having seen me without my helmet.

“Sorry you had to see that,” I tell him.

Jamie is chewing a bite of his sandwich. “See what?”