Page 105 of Brain Damage

“Me without my helmet,” I say, feeling my cheeks grow hot again.

He shrugs. “I saw it before.”

“You remember that?”

“Of course.” He grins. “Remember I told you it looked like somebody took a bite out of it? And then you let me touch your brain.”

“I remember,” I say.

He shrugs again. “I don’t know. What’s the big deal? It’s no worse than the huge scar I’ve got on my head.”

It’s not anything like that. You can’t even see the scar on Jamie’s head anymore. It’s completely concealed by his hair. He looks entirely normal. He looks like a nice, normal, good-looking guy. I look anything but normal. And the truth is, no surgery is going to fix that.

74

The next evening, Jamie kisses Karen.

I see them while my chair is parked in the hallway, waiting for somebody to bring me into my room. I see Karen arrive alone, without Sam. Jamie meets her in the hallway and then he leans in to kiss her. I finally understand why he lost interest in me in that way.

The best I can say is that it isn’t a passionate kiss. They’re not full on making out or anything like that. But that said, they’re in the hallway of the hospital. You can’t make out in the hallway of a hospital.

And then Jamie doesn’t come by my room for dinner. That part hurts most of all. I understand that he’d rather be with her than with me, especially if he’s trying to make it work. But he’ll only be here a little bit longer. I wish we could keep pretending.

It’s close to eight o’clock when I hear the knock at my door. I’m sitting in my wheelchair, watching television by myself. I figure it’s my nurse, bringing me medications. But it’s not. It’s Jamie.

I notice right away that he isn’t holding a cane. Apparently, his balance is good enough that he doesn’t need it anymore.

“Hey, Charly,” he says. “Can I talk to you?”

I nod at the chair next to me. “Sure.”

I already know what he’s going to say: Charly, I’ve decided to get back with Karen. And you know what? I’m okay with it. I’m going to be completely supportive. I’m going to tell him he’s doing the right thing. I’m going to pretend to be really happy for him.

Except he doesn’t tell me he’s getting back together with Karen. What he ends up saying is much worse.

“I’m going home tomorrow,” he says.

I stare at him for a second then I burst into tears. It’s not my finest moment.

“Don’t cry,” he pleads with me, taking my hand in his. “Please don’t cry, Charly. I’m really sorry.”

I feel ridiculous for crying, in all honesty. It was obvious that he was going home soon. He’s practically all better. But I can’t seem to stop sobbing. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I sniffle.

“I just found out today,” he says. “I wanted to tell you right after therapy ended, but then…”

But then Karen came by. And that took priority. I get it.

“Charly?” he says, giving my hand a squeeze.

I pull my hand away from his to grab the box of tissues on the table in front of me, and I start wiping at my eyes. I’m not hysterical anymore, but I don’t trust myself to say anything without sobbing like an idiot.

“Please say something,” he says. He looks so cute, with his eyebrows scrunched together in concern. I hate Karen. I want to be with Jamie. This is so unfair. I’m going to miss him so much. “Please?”

I just shake my head.

Jamie squeezes his eyes shut then opens them again. “I only live in Brooklyn… not very far. They won’t let me drive yet, but I’ll take the subway over to visit. I promise.”

I swallow hard. “You don’t have to do that.”