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“Well, I haven’t seen any of these since I last played, so how about you choose which one you’d like me to play, and I’ll pop it in the VCR.”

“First of all, I can’t believe you even still have a VCR. And second...” She tapped her chin as she read over the labels. “Let’s go with this one.”

She pointed to one of the last tapes my mom had recorded.

Game 6 Stanley Cup Finals 2009

If I remember right, I never got the chance to watch this one. Mom gave me the tape the night before game seven, and I was too busy with my pregame rituals to watch it. So, it wasn’t a shocker that, yet again, I’d be sharing a first with my girl.

Before popping in the tape, I wiped the dust off and blew inside the rarely used VCR player for good measure.

Minutes played out in terrible quality, but the idea had still been executed, making for a fun sentimental memory as we sat cuddled up on the couch, her chin tucked perfectly into the crook of my neck.

As the game continued to play in choppy bits and pieces, Andi was dialed in. Her attention was fully locked in on the game, but my eyes were stuck on her—the woman I was falling in love with and couldn’t control it even if I tried. What was the point in watching something I had already lived through, when I could take in the beauty around me instead?

With every hit against the boards, she held her breath to make sure the player would spring back onto their skates. Every goal, she cheered as if she didn’t know it was coming. And every penalty called against us, she echoed the crowd in the background with boos and fuck yous. Watching her take in a time she never got to experience in the first place meant everything to me. Every bit of her was truly enthralled. Her dedication to knowing every part of me felt like a warm blanket on a breezy winter night.

Her head full of deep red locks laid in my lap, and as she continued to watch, I passed the time by combing my fingers through the velvet strands, watching as she relaxed into my touch.

It was almost as if she could sense my stare when her eyes shot up to mine, and she wiggled her way up to face me head-on.

“You look fucking hot in your hockey get-up.” She winked but changed her tune almost immediately. “Thank you for sharing this part of you with me.” Nervously, she tugged on her lip, as if thanking me somehow caused her to panic.

“Of course.” I tucked her hair behind her ear. “Honestly, I probably would have forgotten all about these tapes if you hadn’t made the comment about wanting to see me play.”

They’d been stuffed in the back of my closet, alongside a few other dusty boxes from a lifetime ago.

“It just really means a lot, and I feel like it’s brought us closer, as silly as that may sound.”

“It’s not silly at all.” Our eyes were locked in on one another, the sensation of something big creeping up my throat, but when she started to speak, I let her have the floor.

“Hunter, I … I can’t find it in me anymore to hold this in any longer. I just … Fuck⁠—”

My brow crinkled as I waited for her to find her words. But it wasn’t her voice I heard any longer. Faded in the background, feeling a world away was Andi’s sweet voice ringing in my ears, telling me she’d fallen in love with me. But the moment her voice mixed with Sarah’s, my head snapped to the TV screen, confused as to why I was no longer seeing a hockey game, but instead, long brown hair and a set of piercing blue eyes that I hadn’t seen in ages, yet haunted me in my dreams more nights than I could count.

Her angelic voice seeped deep down into my core, and it was like unlocking a memory from a different life. A life that no longer felt like it belonged to me. In my head, I remembered the feeling the sound of her voice gave me. She calmed me when I felt erratic, her laughter brought me to my knees, even her voice in a low whisper wormed its way into my head, and I told myself I’d never forget it—until I did. All these years later, I couldn’t remember how she sounded. Instead, just the feelings her voice gave me. And it was then that I didn’t know what nightmare I was living in. Because if I heard Andi correctly, she’d just told me she loved me for the very first time as Sarah appeared on my screen in a recording that I’d never seen or heard before.

As much as I cared for Andi, my attention was currently on the screen, confused as to why this was the first time I was seeing this in seventeen years.

Instead of returning those three words to Andi, a different string of words caught my tongue. “What the hell?” Sweat had already begun to gather at the nape of my neck.

What the fuck was this, Sarah? What were you about to tell me?

Andi’s hands slipped from my skin, the feeling every bit chilling as I jumped for the remote, hitting rewind, so I could hear Sarah from the beginning.

“Hunter, if you’ve found this, I’m leaving you this recording as a way to say goodbye.”

Sarah sniffled, her voice choked up in a way I didn’t think I had ever heard. Her glossed-over eyes looked just like the ocean—the most perfect shade of blue.

“I wanted so badly to watch you live your dream. I’ve watched you work so hard from the moment we met as just kids, and I always knew you’d shoot for the stars. You were the first boy I loved, the first boy I kissed, my first dance at prom, and my last at our wedding. You made life worth living for the last twenty-two years.”

Her eyes dipped down to what looked like a crumbled piece of paper. A piece of paper that I never came across as hard as I searched for one. The night after I won the cup, I came home and tore our old apartment to shreds only to come up empty-handed.

As I waited for her to continue, I didn’t have it in me to look at the girl sitting next to me. Even though I’d just spent the evening with my gaze glued to her, it felt cruel that for the first time I was hearing this message from my wife, Andi was sharing the misery with me. It wasn’t a first I would have ever imagined us sharing together.

Right now, in my own little world, it was just me and Sarah.

“I know that sounds evil of me to say, that you made my life worth living when just moments from now there will be a life without me in it. But I want you to know that you didn’t do a damn thing wrong, Hunter. I know you’re going to go on with your life holding on to a feeling that you did something to cause this. You’ll blame yourself at every turn, but please trust me when I say that is not the case.