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Returning with a room temperature glass of water, I chugged nearly the whole thing in one sitting.

“Andi, when was the last time you had something to eat or drink? You’re shaking,” Peyton asked, her voice dipping in concern.

“I … I don’t know.”

I’d just been going through the motions. Food and water hadn’t been the first thing on my mind since every waking thought seemed to be about Hunter.

Peyton eyed Avery, and somehow with just one subtle look, she knew she needed to go back to the kitchen, but this time, to grab something I could eat.

“Here.” Avery reached out, handing me an apple. “I know it’s not much but try to take a couple of bites. It will help.”

Accepting the bright red apple, I bit into the crisp center; the crunch echoed in the silence, and the flavor tasted every bit like acid on my tongue. On any given day, I loved the taste of an apple with peanut butter, but nothing sounded appetizing right now.

My girls were right; I needed to eat. I knew it would help. I knew it would make me feel more alive when I’d been walking around feeling dead inside for days on end. It would hopefully give me the energy I needed to tell them the entire story.

“Do you feel a little bit better?” Peyton asked, eyeing the apple core between my fingers.

“My heart might not be racing anymore, but it still feels like it’s been stabbed through the center repeatedly.” I tossed the remnants of the apple on the coffee table.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting. We hate seeing you like this.” Peyton spoke for both of them.

“And whenever you feel up to it, we’re here to help you in any way we can,” Avery added.

I’d been living with these thoughts in my own head, never saying them out loud. And I think that’s what made it so hard. Saying what happened out in the open made it feel … final.

“Fuck, this is hard.” My head flung back, hitting the plush cushion of the couch in defeat.

“You know, you’ve always been so guarded. It’s always taken you a while to open up. Even with us, and we’re your best friends. And we don’t blame you at all for that.” Peyton looked at Avery, and she shook her head in agreement. “We all process things in our own way, and even though your way has always been at a different pace than ours, we need you to know that’s okay. We’re here for you and that’s never changing.”

I buried my head into my hands, the unwanted tears returning, but this time, for an entirely different reason. Apparently, I was such a needy bitch that I needed a hell of a lot more reassurance than I ever expected. Even from my closest friends.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m crying again. And I don’t know why I am the way that I am.” I lifted the blanket to my cheeks, blotting the tears. “It’s just never come natural to me to say everything going on inside my head out loud. I’ve lived a whole life inside of my thoughts, and for me, it’s comfortable there. Safe.”

“You can be safe here, too, Andi. I promise.” Avery wound her arms tightly around me, and for a brief moment, it was just her heart thumping against mine.

Safe.

Eventually, Avery’s arms slipped back into her own lap as they both waited patiently for me to pick up where I’d left off.

“Hunter and I were having the best night. We were on his couch, watching these old videos, and everything was right in the world. I’d been feeling it for weeks at that point. I was finally ready to tell him I loved him without a worry in the world of who would be dropping those words first. But the second they slipped out of my mouth, the video cut from the hockey footage to a goodbye message from his late wife.”

My friends were silent, a lot like I had been when that video first popped up. Jaw locked, tears clouding my eyes.

“I watched his attention flip from me to that TV screen in a split second. Rightfully so. He never got closure from his wife. I don’t know how much you guys know, but she took her own life, and Hunter never knew the reason why. She never left a note. She just left. Until this video resurfaced. I’m sure it had been laying out in the open at that time, but he never thought to play it because it was supposed to be hockey. If I had to guess, it just got lost in the mix, and now, seventeen years later, he's grieving his wife all over again.”

“Andi…” Peyton reached for my hand.

I shook my head, fanning my face to will away the tears.

“I listened to the entire video play out. Never in my life had I felt more like an imposter. I never should have been there for a moment as big as that one. His eyes were glued to the screen as if I didn’t even exist. When the video reached the end, he got this look in his eye like he had just realized I was there when I had been there all along. He asked me to leave, and we haven’t talked since.”

My eyes dipped down. I knew if they made contact with my friends that I’d see the looks of pity painted across their faces, and I’d be crying all over again.

“Not for my lack of trying, though.” I scoffed. “I’ve sent him more texts than I’d like to admit. Before I came home today, I sat in my car after work and sent one last one. I told him I loved him one more time. Because I do. I always will. I needed him to know that.”

“So, he hasn’t said anything? At all?” Peyton questioned.

“No.” My eyes fell. “Crickets. It’s like he blocked me or his phone is off or something because they aren’t even being marked as delivered.”