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“Don’t worry. I get it.” I got carried away by his kind act, his grief, and his pretty words about missing me. I understand why he can’t choose me. Mostly. Except we will never agree about Sonatina. Doesn’t make it any easier. “Your brothers are no doubt waiting for you.”

“Time to face the music and explain why they had to pick up our daughter’s ashes when I never told them about her.” He strides to the door but doesn’t open it. His shoulders collapse.

“I don’t envy you.” I actually do envy him. Perhaps if I’d had someone to share my grief with... to talk with... I wouldn’t have gotten to the point where I wanted to harm myself. But I have therapy now. It’s making a difference. “It won’t be a comfortable or happy conversation, but they care about you. They’re both here for you, because they want to make sure you’re okay.”

That’s what I love about his family the most.

“Yeah.” He sounds less certain than I am. He tugs open the door and walks out.

I sit back down on the bed. Stare at my baby girl’s urn on the nightstand. A fresh bout of tears fills my eyes as I stroke the fine lines of the feather. Having her with me... it eases something in my chest that hasn’t been okay since I had to leave her behind.

A rap on the door has me lifting my head. Golden stands there with his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie. His floppy hair is in his eyes, and his headphones are around his neck.

“You okay, Special K?” He takes one look at me and comes to sit beside me. Wraps an arm around my back. “He looked as bad as you do when he left with his brothers.”

I rest my head on his shoulder. He doesn’t give a shit when my tears soak into his sweater. “I swear I never used to cry like this.”

“You’re right.” He squeezes me reassuringly while his tone drips sarcasm. “You were a hardass. I can’t believe you’ve turned into such a girl.”

I giggle despite myself. Honestly, it’s what I need. I push him with my shoulder. “Oh, shut up.”

We get silent again, but it’s less heavy now. Less wet.

“Did he do something to upset you?” he asks.

“No. It’s not like that... If anything, he did something right.” I point at Harlowe’s urn. Maybe it’s time I started to talk about my pain with the people who are my family. My guys.

He reaches out and touches the urn. “Harlowe Maddox?”

“I was pregnant when I left him.” But the truth is I did leave them all and I didn’t look back. I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t keep in contact. And the longer I kept my distance, the harder it was to change it. I’ve been back for a couple of months, and I still haven’t opened up to them. “She didn’t survive. I was in an accident.”

The day the doctor informed me I’d lost her was the worst day of my life.

“Fucking hell.” He tightens his arm around me. Buries his face in my hair. “I am so sorry, Kelsey. You shouldn’t have had to go through that alone.”

“I’m not alone now. You guys are my family.” And I am healing. Dr. Applegate would say this is a big stride in the right direction.

24

Riot

Sonatina stands outside the booth she booked for us with a pair of headphones over her ears. She’s listening to the playback of ‘Break You!’. Tapping the man behind the sound boards on the shoulder, she speaks to him. He nods and leans forward to adjust something.

Savant Records wants us to lay down tracks from some of the new stuff we’ve played on tour—the hate songs about Kelsey that I absolutely do not want to rehash even if they are the first songs I’ve written since she left two years ago—since we’re way behind on our second contracted album.

Lately the pages of my lyric book are filling quickly. But I’m not ready to share my new stuff with anyone. It’s too personal.

“Really could be anywhere but here,” Kodiak says, putting down his bass. His gaze is glued to Kelsey, who sits on a red vinyl sofa at the back of the dimly lit outer room.

He’s not the only one who would prefer spending their rest day anywhere but working. We’re all exhausted and that has us on edge with each other. They are my best friends but... what I wouldn’t give for a couple of hours where it could just be me and Kelsey.

We could sleep for all I care. I just want to be alone with her. But realistically we need to talk without having to worry about being overheard. Maybe find a way to be on the same page since it’s becoming less and less likely that Micah is going to find something we can use against Sonatina. Whatever secrets she has, she’s kept close to her chest.

Sonatina puts her thumb up.

“I’m taking a break.” Kodiak strides out of the booth and over to Kelsey. He’s been... more serious about her since the storm. Almost like he has something to prove. The low neon glow shines on him as he sits down next to her and places his hand on her knee.

Kelsey smiles up at him. He’s growing on her. I can tell. He’s no longer... just a way of trying to move on without me. Maybe she knows or maybe she hasn’t admitted it to herself yet. But I can see it. I’ve seen it before. There’s a softness to her when she really cares about someone.