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So I made myself watch her go and hated it.

I’d never fucked up this bad in my life, and I was still so punch drunk giddy from it that I wasn’t even sorry for it yet, not truly, but I knew that was coming.

I locked myself in my bedroom, sincerely frightened at what I’d do if she joined me there. The look on her face, her sweet brown eyes, the tears pouring down those baby angel cheeks as I’d pushed into her would haunt me for the rest of my life, I was sure. She’d been so tender and soft, so innocent as she met my eyes and took every huge inch of me. I’d been ruthless about it once I started. Patient but relentless. And it had been too much for her, but she’d let me in to the hilt. I’d never forget it.

And then there was the other part, the things she’d wanted me to say to her. I’d thought about that stuff before but had never felt comfortable enough with a partner to do it, had never been willing to shut off the nice guy in my head and indulge in something a touch more sinister.

I was still so consumed with it that I started jerking myself off in the shower thinking about it, the sight of traces of her blood still on me perversely stirring me.

I stopped myself short.

It had been just perfect, beyond all expectations and fantasies, and I hadn’t even fucked her for real yet. We’d barely scratched the surface of all the things I wanted to do to her.

I was still trying to convince myself that I could never touch her again with my upper brain.

My lower brain had other ideas. I didn’t even want to jack off because I wanted to save every drop of cum in my future for her personally. It was so fucked up. And so intoxicating.

I wanted to go to her now, to kiss her and hold her, but I didn’t trust myself for one second not to take it further.

But even with all my inner conflict and indecision, my own sense of right and wrong that hadn’t changed, hadn’t budged an inch, I just couldn’t picture a future where I didn’t eventually get to break her in completely and fuck her proper. Certainly no one else could do it. She was mine now.

I was beating off again before I realized it and made myself stop.

I was disgusted with myself, but I knew then that I was saving it for her. Every drop of my seed would go on her and in her. Anything else was a waste.

I was so fucked.

I tossed and turned for most of the night and woke up at five a.m. feeling a strange kind of panic.

I went straight to her room. I was wearing boxer briefs and nothing else, but I didn’t consider taking the time to get dressed. The panic wasn’t going away; it was growing with every step.

If she’s in there sleeping I’m going to fuck her awake, I thought, then castigated myself for the thought.

But, as some part of me had known by the panic in my gut, she was gone, her backpack with her.

I tore down to the garage. The cars were both there.

She was on foot. When did she leave? How far could she have gone?

I called her, but it went straight to voicemail repeatedly.

I threw on a T-shirt and jeans and starting looking for her, driving slowly block by block, wishing I had some clue which direction she could have gone in, or when she had left.

I was a mess when I finally gave up and went to work. I was late and I looked terrible. Every co-worker I saw asked if I was okay. I was an absolute wreck, but somehow I got through the day.

Nova was absent, and I wanted to howl with worry. Was she okay? Where had she gone? How much of the night had she been out on her own, and would she come back?

I told my last class that I had a personal emergency and left them, telling them to study but knowing they’d just play on their phones.

I drove around looking for her again, but I didn’t even know where to start. I went into three diners to see what the waitresses were wearing to sleuth out her place of work, but it was a dead end.

Another day went by like that, worse because my worry was growing with every hour she was out on her own. She needed me and I’d failed her. It crushed me as nothing ever had before. I vowed not to fail her again, but I didn’t know how that was possible when what she wanted from me was destructive to her well-being in general.

The third day she showed up in class with Jake’s arm thrown over her shoulder like they were a couple again.

I thought steam might come out of my ears.

She sat down at the back of the class, next to Jake, but she didn’t seem to be paying him any mind.