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“I’m sorry,” she said, and I looked up from the lantern in surprise.

“For what?”

Kimmy huffed. “For earlier. Obviously. You were right.”

“I was?”

“Don’t sound so surprised,” she said with a laugh. “I can admit when you’re right.”

My lips twitched against my will. “Must be a full moon.”

There was a pause before Kimmy continued. “No. I just meant that you’re right that I shouldn’t have sided with Ayanna over you. I still think Claire made the decision she wanted to make…but I didn’t understand how Ayanna was holding her over your head until she said that thing at the end about never seeing Claire again.”

I blew out a breath. “Yeah. That sucked. Probably because I’m not sure she’s wrong.”

“Of course she’s wrong,” Kimmy said, suddenly fierce. “I chewed her out after you left. I don’t give a shit what our relationship is—that was fucked up.”

I nodded, relieved that she wasn’t defending Ayanna. “So, what is your relationship, then?”

Kimmy scoffed. “Fuck if I know. We’ve slept together a couple times. She acts like she might want something more. But I don’t know.”

I couldn’t hold back a chuckle. “Sounds familiar. You sure made this as complicated as you could for yourself, huh?”

Kimmy laughed too, though it didn’t sound happy. “Yep. I definitely know how to pick them. First Asha, now this.”

I didn’t like the sadness on her face. “Asha wasn’t your fault, Kim. But I do worry about you getting with someone new so soon after. Is this a rebound thing?”

She sighed. “I don’t know. But I know that I can’t let my feelings cloud my judgment anymore. It did with Asha, and earlier, I think they did again. I just…I’m lonely, John.”

“You’ve got me,” I said, touching her hand. “And Claire. And everyone back home.”

She waved that away. “I know all that. It’s…not that kind of loneliness.” She paused like she was about to say something else, but then she shook her head and looked away.

“What?” I prompted. “You know you can tell me. Unless it’s about the horny kind of loneliness, in which case, maybe this conversation would be better had with Claire.”

That made her giggle, at least. “No. It’s just…it’s embarrassing to admit. Maybe kind of pathetic.” She cleared her throat, looking sad again. “I just…I want someone. So bad.”

I softened. “What’s pathetic about that? Most people do.”

“Not you,” she retorted. “Not for the longest time. You had girlfriends here and there, but you never needed any of them. But then you met Claire, and I saw how much it changed things—in a good way.” She couldn’t look at me. “I see you with her, and…and I’m so happy for you guys, but it’s so hard. You two have a language all your own, a world that none of the rest of us are part of. You look at her like she’s every breath you take.”

I rubbed my chest where it ached. “She is.”

“I know,” Kimmy snapped, but not in an angry way. In a desperate, sad way that made me hurt for her. “She feels the same about you. She’s told me, and I see it in how happy she is around you. How her whole face lights up when you walk in a room. But…it hurts so bad, because I’ve always wanted that, and I don’t think it’s ever going to happen for me.”

“Ah, Kimmy,” I sighed, taking her hand in mine. She finally looked at me, and her eyes shone in the low light. “If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. And in case you haven’t noticed, it isn’t always easier when you love someone like that. It’s amazing, true, but it’s also…unbearable.” I wet my lips, my mouth suddenly dry. “When you’re apart. Or when she’s hurt, or scared, and you can’t comfort her. When something bad happens to her and there’s nothing you can do about it. When your whole heart is walking outside your body, and you know anything can happen to her, and it’ll break you in ways you’ll never come back from.”

Kimmy squeezed my hand. “Yeah. I know.”

We sat in silence for a moment before she added, “But we’re going to find a way for you to meet up with her, you know. You’ll see her again. Soon.”

“How do we do that without the White Rose?” I asked dully. “I quit, remember?”

Kimmy rolled her eyes. “Yes, you were kind of dramatic about it. But between you and me, I’m pretty sure most of that stuff from Ayanna is bluster. We both know she still needs a favour from you, and on top of that, if we can figure out how to get you visiting time with Claire, she can tell you stuff that might be useful. They’re not gonna pass on such a valuable source of intelligence—not if they’re smart, anyway.”

The thought of seeing Claire again soon made hope swell inside me, enough that when I later lay down to sleep, it actually came.

The next morning, I went to the small back building that the White Rose used as a temporary morgue. They mostly burned the bodies of their dead, having no place to bury them, and there were two bodies in particular I was interested in seeing before they were gone: the guys who’d attacked Claire, against Ayanna’s orders.