Page 41

“I didn’t want her to do it for me,” I said, and my voice sounded like I swallowed gravel. “We could’ve found another way, but you didn’t want that, because then you wouldn’t be able to hold her hostage from me. To make me do what you want.”

Ayanna gave a frustrated sigh and rolled her eyes, but when she opened her mouth to retort, Kimmy held up a hand to stop her.

“John,” Kimmy said softly, touching my arm, “I know how bad this is. How much this hurts. Believe me, I feel it too, but it’s not Ayanna’s fault. She—”

I rounded on her, more anger surging. “Why the fuck are you taking her side?” I looked back and forth between them. “Why do you keep looking at her like she knows something I don’t?”

Kimmy’s eyes widened. “I’m not taking anyone’s side. I’m just saying that Ayanna didn’t do anything that—”

But it was the way her gaze flitted back to Ayanna, as if looking for some kind of help, that did it for me. I suddenly understood, and a bitter laugh bubbled up.

“Christ, you’re fucking her,” I said, rubbing my eye. “That’s what this shit is about? So, during that week when you were back at the camp, you suddenly decided to jump into bed with her?”

All the colour had drained out of Kimmy’s face. “That’s not relevant.”

“You’re being an asshole,” Ayanna shot at me. “I get it, things are tough, but that’s how the fight goes sometimes.”

More bitter laughter escaped. “Newsflash, Ayanna: I never wanted this fight. I don’t give a shit about your cause. You chose this. I didn’t. And then, on top of holding my wife hostage from me, you try to rope my sister in with you, to turn her against me.”

Kimmy looked even more upset. “John, that’s not true, I would never—”

I ignored her, fixing Ayanna with a hostile glare. “It’s not going to work. I’m not your fucking lackey.”

I strode to the door, where she still stood.

“We’re done,” I told her. “Get out of my way.”

Her dark brown eyes pierced me. “You do that, and you’ll never see her again.”

I wanted to clock her. I lowered my gaze to hers.

“Read my lips,” I hissed. “It’s over.”

When she still didn’t move, I shoved past her, leaving Kimmy sputtering behind me.

Sitting back at my tent on the roof of one of the lookout buildings, I let out a long breath. I had to think about my next move, because whatever it was, it wouldn’t be easy.

Without the White Rose’s help, rescuing Claire just got a thousand times harder. Then again, what good were they doing anyway, besides getting me inside the compound? Everything done to help Claire has been done by me.

They need me more than I need them now, I thought, but I was still too angry to be smug about it. I should’ve tossed Claire over my shoulder and booked it to that tunnel, consequences be damned. She’d have been pissed at me, no doubt, but at least we’d be together.

More than pissed, a voice in my head insisted. She’d have never been able to live with it, even if you and Kimmy escaped, and you know it. She couldn’t deliberately sacrifice anyone to save herself—not even strangers.

As soon as I had the thought, I knew it was true. She was too good for that, even if I wasn’t. She’d never forgive herself.

Damn you and your soft heart, Claire, I thought, but without real conviction. I loved her soft heart. It made me remember that I had one, too, even if I kept it much better protected than she did. With her, though, it was different. It was safe to be soft with her, and I’d never realized I needed it so much until we met.

Grief hit me again, and I sat, quiet in the night, not sure what to do or how to do it.

It was a couple of hours before Kimmy came to find me. By that time, I’d lit a lantern and eaten a few pieces of jerky, even though I wasn’t hungry. I stared into the small flame, ignoring her.

My eyes itched. I hadn’t slept in a day, and hadn’t had a good sleep since Claire got taken weeks ago. I was too exhausted to be mad at her at the moment. I was just bitter and resigned.

“Can I sit?” Kimmy asked hesitantly.

I shrugged. “Can’t stop you.”

She sat across from me, cross-legged. Her expression was anxious. She was worried I’d lash out at her again.