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I pulled back and cupped his cheek. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known. I need you to have courage now. Have hope for me, Wastelander.”

His amber eyes were misty, but he answered steadily, “I’ve never had anything but hope for you, from the moment we met.” He caught my hand and kissed it. “My little bluebird, appearing after a long winter.”

That nearly shattered the brave face I was putting on, but I swallowed hard and forced a smile through the tears that threatened to fall. “It isn’t forever. We’ll make it. We have to.”

John took a deep breath, then gave a curt nod. He let me go and turned to the others, who I was suddenly aware of again. Ayanna looked grim, while Kimmy was in tears. Even Gizzi looked crestfallen. It took all my strength to hold myself together, but I looked back at Ayanna, knowing our time was running out.

“I’m ready,” I said. “But I meant what I said: I want to bring down Julius. If I can convince them you kidnapped me, we can use it to our advantage. Find a way for me to pass you information. I can help you.”

Ayanna worried her lip, thinking. “It’ll be a challenge, with you so closely watched, but our people will work on it.”

“I’ll work on it,” John asserted, his jaw set, and he looked to me when he said, “I’ll find a way to meet you.”

I wanted to protest, to tell him it was too dangerous, but I could hardly lecture him, given what I was doing. And a small part of me felt relieved that I’d see him again before all this was over. I couldn’t handle having no contact anymore.

“We still need you to—”

“I know,” John interrupted, holding up his hand. “I’ll still do what we agreed on. But until then, my priority is my wife.”

Ayanna sighed, looking unhappy, but she eventually nodded.

“Thank you,” she said to me, and the gratitude in her voice felt genuine. “I promise to do everything I can to make sure your sacrifice isn’t in vain.”

Standing before the reinforced door at the barricade, I had to take deep breaths to stay standing. My whole body was rebelling at the idea of heading back into the compound, into Julius’s clutches. I’d said my goodbyes to Kimmy, who’d hugged me hard and told me to give them hell through her tears.

Now, I had to say my final goodbye to my husband, whose eyes held none of the softness of a few moments before. Instead, cold fury permeated his entire being, freezing his features into a hard, angry mask. I hated it, hated how much this was hurting him.

Still, he kissed me fiercely, putting his entire self into this final moment we had together. I wanted to live in that moment forever, feeling his love and regret channeled through our lips, but it was over before I was ready.

“I l—” I began, but John put a finger to my lips.

“Don’t say you love me,” he said with aching softness. “I won’t be able to let you go.”

My heart snapped in two. He was angry with me. I heard it in his voice. I didn’t want to leave him like this, but there was no other option. We were out of time.

“I’ll be waiting for you,” I whispered instead, and with a last, quick peck, I departed the White Rose camp and leapt back into the belly of the beast.

Chapter 15

John

The minute Claire left, it felt like a healing wound had suddenly been ripped open again, and everything was agony. How did I ever survive this? I wondered, as I stormed away from the barricade door. All I could think about was getting away from the last place I’d seen her, and the time when I’d thought it was finally over, that she was safe and I was never going to let her go again.

Both Ayanna and Kimmy were hot on my heels, but I didn’t care. I headed for Ayanna’s office, if only because I didn’t know where else to go. My eyes burned, and my chest ached. When I got there, there was an empty mug on her desk, and without giving it much thought, I picked it up and smashed it against the wall.

“John,” Kimmy’s voice said behind me, hoarse and full of pity. I hated it.

I was so angry that I could barely speak. It felt good to break something, so I considered Ayanna’s computer keyboard next.

“Is destroying my office really going to get her back?” Ayanna said, exasperated.

I whipped around, and she stood in the doorway, her arms folded over her chest. Kimmy hovered beside me, looking worried and resigned.

“You made her go,” I managed to get out, pointing at Ayanna. “You made her feel like she had no choice.”

Ayanna’s eyebrows shot up. “I didn’t make her do anything. She saw our situation and she made the choice that would save us, though I doubt that was at the front of her mind. She did it for you, and if you can’t see it, you’re an idiot.”

Kimmy shot her a stern look, but it was too late.