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“Billie…I’m…” He begins weeping and my heart sinks. “I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you. I shouldn’t have let this happen.” He can barely get the words out.

“It’s okay. It’s fine.”

Though really, it’s not. Nothing about this is fine.

“No, it’s not,” he clarifies, tears still streaming down. His eyes can’t seem to make it to mine.

I could be mad. I could walk out with the rage that’s building up in my system. But what’s the point when we’ve already lost all this time? He hates himself for letting it get this far. I can hear it in his voice. There isn’t anything we can do about it now. All we can do is try to make up for what we’ve missed. After a few moments of silence, I watch as my dad composes himself.

“So, what are you doing back from the Big Apple?” he asks, taking a deep breath.

How do I tell him? I haven’t been able to say it out loud to anyone. My friends in Brooklyn just knew because they are also friends with Graham. The gossip train went on its tracks, and I never had to actually tell someone.

Even after all this time, my dad still sends a wave of relaxation through me. I just have to get through this hard part, then we can move into the easier conversations.

I hope.

I stare down at my hands and can feel my throat becoming dry. A burning sensation creeps in as I begin to speak.

“Dad—” I take a deep breath as I choke down my tears. Not at the thought of Graham, but picturing the fact that I have to start over again at twenty-eight years old. “I was married…but now I’m not. That’s why I came back,” I muster out as quickly as possible. I’m hoping if I say this, it’ll be enough for him to understand.

His eyebrows furrow as the anvil of pain begins crushing him.

I wonder if it’s because he feels bad for me or if he’s upset he didn’t know I was married. That he didn’t get to walk me down the aisle.

A tear escapes and I attempt to brush it away inconspicuously, avoiding his eyes. I suppose I get that from him.

“It was inevitable,” I acknowledge, trying to sit up straight to indicate that I’m okay. That it isn’t a big deal. Though I’m not certain if I’m trying to convince him or myself.

“Maybe it was because we got married too young or something, but he was uncommunicative and I was overly emotional. Those don’t mix well,” I say, trying to make it sound like it was both of our ideas to split up.

The day he left is still so vivid, playing over and over again in my head. I remember Maggie coming over to see me. We sat in our normal spots on the love seat that was centered in my living room. I started chatting her ear off about something fatuous, as she stared with her eyes bugged out, like a sad puppy. She eventually just said it outright.

“Graham is going to be staying with Steven,” she’d whispered to me.

The sentence was like being kicked in the teeth.

“I told him no, but Steven insisted,” she went on.

Maggie’s boyfriend, Steven, was close with Graham. Maggie and I have been friends since we were nine so they didn’t really have a choice.

“He’s leaving me isn’t he?” I huffed as I stood up, beginning to pace. I was in such disbelief. I couldn’t visualize being left. Graham always stayed out at odd ends of the night. I figured it was like every other time. Playing poker or going to his favorite bar with his work friends.

I thought we were soul mates when we got married. The first year was pure bliss. It felt so right. Then everything sunk in. All the bad parts of him came to light. After so many nights where he didn’t come home until four in the morning, I was starting to realize that when he told me that he couldn’t deal with me, he meant it.

But when you get married, you’re supposed to stay married. You work on it together.

Maggie gaped at me. “You think he’s leaving you?” she’d asked. “I thought you guys were just in a fight or something,” she added carefully, confusion lingering in her tone. She stared at me closely, trying to examine what I might be thinking.

I sat on the floor then. I couldn’t stand any longer.

“No. He’s leaving me,” I mustered out, knowingly. “The last year—” The tears started before I could try to stop them. I took an unsteady breath before continuing, “He hasn’t loved me for a long time.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Maggie asked.

I could see the guilt rise instantly from making it about herself.

I was too ashamed to say anything to her. I thought something had to be wrong with me for him to just fall out of love. There was no big fight. There wasn’t anything. He just didn't want to be with me anymore.