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My heart sinks into my stomach. I don’t know why I expected the answer to be yes or even more so, why I wanted it to be yes. My brain is void of anything clever to say, so I nod my head and smile. “Well, that’s good,” I lie.
“I mean, I’ve seen other women, obviously,” he says convincingly. “I just haven’t been able to fall in love. I’ve told them I did, that I loved them, but I wasn’t being truthful. People make it seem like it’s this simple thing you do.”
I stare into my coffee mug.
“Is that why you’re still upset with me?” I finally ask. It’s been digging at me. I have to know what he’s thinking.
“Why would you assume I’m upset with you?”
“You’ve been giving me mixed signals since yesterday. When we ran into each other.”
His eyes shift, listening.
“One moment you seem annoyed and the next you’re happy to see me.”
His jaw clenches ever-so slightly.
The fire warms me up as I feel something ignite within me.
“What do you think I’d be upset about, Billie?”
I grimace, trying to hide the shame on my face. We’ve never been mad at each other before, let alone had an argument.
He continues, “It seems like you’re the one who’s pissed right now. Not me.”
“Maybe it’s the fact that you told me that you loved me and then you left. You’re going on about how you couldn’t love anyone else, but you’re the one who left me.” The words just slip out of me.
He doesn’t look surprised at my outburst, but sits up straight in his chair.
“I had already enlisted. I had a commitment to this country,” he spits out. “Even if I had stayed for you, would you really have been with me?”
“What?” I breathe out.
“Would you really have been with me?” he repeats, enunciating every word. “In my eyes, you used me leaving as an excuse because you were too scared to actually commit.”
I scoff loudly. “Well that’s below the belt.”
“I don’t think so,” he says, leaning back. “You said it yourself. You were a scared teenager, right?”
“Well, you’re wrong. I would have…been with you. If you had stayed.”
The truth is, I don’t know if he’s wrong. I didn’t know what loving someone meant. I still don’t. I’m clueless when it comes to a healthy relationship. Just as clueless as I was back then.
“You don’t know how I felt, Sean,” I add, trying to win this battle.
“No—you’re right. I didn’t, because you never told me how you felt back then. Ever.”
Heat overruns me, but it isn’t from the fire anymore. I didn’t even know until this moment that I was still bothered by any of it. Not like this.
“That’s not fair,” I grind through my teeth. “That’s not fair, because you left. You’re the one who ended it!”
“No, you were Billie,” he snarls. “You’re the one who stopped talking to me, remember? You stopped answering my calls and—and my texts!” He’s shaking his head, trying to contain himself.
He doesn’t say more, but takes a few deep breaths. “I thought I was over it. I guess I’m not,” he sighs out.
“I suppose I’m not either,” I whisper back.
Silence stretches between us as we stare at each other. I can’t handle the quiet, so I break the staring contest and apologize. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I started this.”
