Page 19

I patted my pockets, but came up empty, which was when I remembered putting it in my rucksack and dropping it off in the minibus after soundcheck.

“Bugger,” I muttered, hopping down off the containers and heading back down the long central corridor. I had time before the concert, it wasn’t set to start for another hour.

It was a five minute walk back to the parking area at the back of the stadium, and the further I got, the fewer people I saw running around. Only security were present at the rear loading bay, and I waved my pass at them as I walked out.

The air outside was crisp, but dry. Dusk was beginning to blanket the sky, giving everything an air of suspense. I could hear the crowds surrounding the venue. It wasn’t a distinct sound, more like a continuous undertone, a vibration of anticipation like the vocal equivalent of an oncoming earthquake.

A thrill went through me, and I wondered how the members were. Whether they could hear it, or if they were too far removed and tucked away inside the warren of the backstage.

I spied the minibus we’d all come in on. It was parked out of the way of the loading bay doors, and I jogged over to it. The side door was partially open, and I frowned, reaching for it. The minute I stepped into the interior, I heard it. My head snapped up as a choking sound reached me.

“Hello?” I called, tentatively, torn between moving towards the back of the bus, and running back to get security, but when a muffled whine broke the silence, I couldn’t stop myself from moving further into the dark interior, the light from the lamp posts outside barely stretching inside the bus. It wasn’t until I reached the back row that I found the person making the noise. They were a huddled shape on the back bench, knees pressed to their chest, arms wrapped so tightly around them that it was a wonder they could breathe at all.

“Hello?” I tried again, softer this time.

They raised their head and I inhaled so sharply it nearly cut into me.

“Joon?” I stretched my hand out to him automatically, not sure if the instinct was to comfort him or reassure myself by confirming he was okay.

His eyes collided with mine, and even in the dim light I saw the way they shone, mirroring the tear tracks on his face. He was heaving for air, as if he couldn’t get enough, and he looked at me with a mix of incomprehension and desperation.

“Dowajuseyo,” he moaned.

Help me.

“Joon, what do you need? What’s wrong?” I knelt beside him, staring up at his face, hands fluttering over him, looking for some injury, some reason that he was hiding at the back of a bus and shaking.

“I c–can’t b–breathe,” he gasped, reaching for me. He grabbed my hand so hard I felt my bones grind, but I grasped him back just as tight.

“Okay, listen to me. Are you hurt?” I pressed urgently, but sighed in relief when he shook his head. “I’m going to get some help, okay? Stay here, I’ll be right back.” I pried his fingers from mine, and stood up, but his hand darted back out, grabbing at mine as if it was the only thing keeping him tethered, and his breathing turned into staccato pants as his eyes squeezed closed. Immediately, I dropped back to his side. His eyes flew wide as my fingers tightened around his.

“Okay Joon, I’m here, I won’t leave. Just breathe with me, okay? Breathe in with me.” I held his desperate gaze and slowly inhaled, willing him to copy me, and trying not to hitch my breath when he did. “Good, that’s good, now out, okay? Slowly.” I blew out the breath, never breaking eye contact. “You’re okay. You’re safe. I’m here, and you’re okay. Feel my hand, hold it tight.” His grip on mine trembled, but I held him still. “Joon, look around us. I want you to name things you can see, okay? Anything.”

His eyes pinched as though he was afraid to stop looking at me, but I watched as they darted to the side.

“Cars. Outside. A blue one.”

I didn’t bother looking away to verify.

“Good. What else?”

He inhaled slowly, and though it was shaky, he seemed able to take more air in.

“The lights?” The words came out like a question, and I nodded encouragingly.

“Good, that’s good. You’re doing really well. One more thing?”

As his eyes moved, I cursed inwardly that this bus simply wasn’t that full of stuff. He turned to me and I forced myself to remain still, because if he needed to focus on me to stop focusing on himself, I could do that for him. I watched his eyes flicker down before he said, “Your necklace.” Reflexively, my fingers reached up to hold the little, gold swallow that hung around my neck.

“Good, yeah, that’s… good,” I said lamely.

I scrambled to think of the right thing to do, I was sure there were things you were supposed to do for people going through something like this, but past breathing and focusing on other stuff, I had run into a mental roadblock.

“Hey, you wanna know some things I learned today?” I didn’t try to inject any false cheer into my voice, just tried to speak normally, as if we were just shooting the shit, a perfectly normal thing to do.

Jihoon nodded and leaned his head back against the window, never taking his eyes off me.

“Do you know what ‘leap-frogging is’?”