Page 108 of The Blessing

chapter 40

sound of silence

“Trevor?”

I look up to find Ronnie standing in the doorway, watching me with curious eyes and an open expression. Per usual, she knows just when to push and when it’s best to hold back. Even at times when I believed I couldn’t possibly open up—seeing Ronnie’s face made me want to bear my fucking soul to her. I give her a soft smile, not wanting to say anything that may disturb Grey—who’s resting on my chest—from his sleep. Ronnie returns my tired smile and walks in the room, taking a seat across from me on the sofa. She doesn’t ask any questions, waiting for me to speak when I’m ready. I stare at her for a moment, conveying that I need to be alone for a moment—I won’t be able to hold myself together. I take a deep breath and slowly rise to my feet—gently carrying Grey to his room and lying him in his crib. I find Ronnie patiently waiting in the living room for my return. As soon as I take a seat on the couch beside her, she molds her body against mine. The smell of her lavender body lotion and vanilla shampoo causes all the negative energy within me to dissipate. I take a long, deep breath, before I am finally able to begin.

“The folder my dad gave to me was filled with all this shit he and my mom had kept over the years. I guess they kept in touch behind their spouses’ backs. Dad would send her as many updates about me as he could manage to sneak past Evelyn. Apparently, she had a condition on agreeing to take me in: Felicity was to stay out of our lives. But they found a way to stay in touch without her knowing. It was weird reading all that shit. It was like I was seeing myself through their eyes.”

Ronnie’s silent for a moment, running her fingers along the cuts of my abdominal muscles through my cotton shirt before lifting her head to say, “I bet a little insight was nice. Was it all good things?”

I can hear the hesitancy in her voice. She’s used to all the shit in my life, I guess.

“For the most part. Sad things, if I’m being completely honest. I can’t believe the pain my parents endured. It was obvious they truly loved each other. I don’t know. It’s just so fucking sad—so unbelievable.”

“Well, at least you’re all together now,” she replies optimistically.

“Yeah,” I agree with a sigh, rubbing the rough stubble on my cheeks. “This truly is a fresh start for me. I feel like a totally different person. I went from being a drugged-up alcoholic deadbeat, to a father and fiancé—a man who has parents who are actually fucking proud of him. It’s just… it’s a lot to take in, babe.”

“I know,” she agrees as she nestles her head against my chest. “But you always find a way to handle everything so well.” She catches the dubious look I’m giving her out of the corner of her eyes. Which causes her to laugh before she continues. “Trevor, you handle stuff so much better than you think you do. You never give yourself enough credit. I’ve seen you struggle, Trev. I know how hard you’ve fought to be the man you are today, and I believe in you. I just can’t wait for the day you finally believe in yourself—the day when you can see yourself the way I see you because I’ve never met a man I’ve believed in more.”

Fuck, tonight has already been an emotional roller coaster. I’m overwhelmed enough, and now Ronnie’s saying shit that’s making me want to breakdown and cry like a baby all over again. Thankfully, I hold it together and don’t make an ass out of myself. Wrapping my arms tightly around her body, I respond, “I’m working on it, Ronnie. Trust me. I’m working on it.”

“I know.”

“I love you, you know?” I ask as I run my fingers through her hair.

She smirks before responding, “I know.”

We sit in silence for a while. Having a baby in my apartment, it’s rare to have moments like these. The only sound which fills the room is the soft sounds of our breathing. I close my eyes and soak up the feeling, enjoying it while it lasts. My mind begins to wander. I feel a sudden urge to reach out to my mom. After everything I’ve read—I want to hear her voice. I want to tell her how much all this shit means to me, and how thankful I am to have her in my life now.

“Do you think I should call my mom?” I wonder aloud.

For a moment, I think she’s fallen asleep, since she doesn’t answer my question straightaway. She finally yawns and without opening her eyes, she answers me. “If you feel like you need to do it, then do it. I’m sure it’d make your mom really happy if you reached out to her. I wouldn’t doubt she’s feeling pretty vulnerable right now.”

Ronnie’s right—just like she usually is. “Do you mind if I have a few minutes alone, then? I just want to talk to her before I go to bed.”

“Isn’t it a little late, Trev?”

“I know, but I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep if I don’t talk to her now. Besides, everything I want to say is so fresh in my mind. I don’t want to chance forgetting anything.”

Ronnie sits up and gives me a chaste kiss on the lips before pulling away to smile at me. “Do what you’ve got to do, babe. I’ll be in bed waiting for you.” With that, she leaves me alone to my own devices.

Pulling out my phone, I call my mom’s number. I’m surprised when she answers on the third ring.

“Trevor?”

Exhaustion fills my mom’s tone and suddenly, I feel guilty for waking her up like this. “Hey, Mom. Sorry to call you so late,” I awkwardly begin. I rub my face with my hand—a nervous habit—and take a deep breath before continuing. “I read all of the letters that were in the folder Dad gave me, along with all of your cards…” I trail off.

She’s silent for a moment, but right before the silence becomes too awkwardly heavy, she says, “I always thought about you, Trevor. Every day we’ve been apart, you were always on my mind… Constantly wondering if you were happy. I often wondered what type of man you’d become… I’m so sorry this was all kept from you for so long. I never intended that. I just wanted—wanted you to have the best life possible.”

“I’m sorry, too,” I say, mostly to myself. “It’s weird. Reading all of those things at once.”

I hear a soft laugh from her before she responds, “I bet. This all must feel very surreal.”

I laugh as well, because fuck, I just don’t know what to say. It’s beyond fucking weird. In fact, “surreal” is putting it extremely mildly. Everything I thought I knew has been a lie. What’s also strange is the fact that I’m no longer angry. I’ve harbored so much anger in my life, but now, it’s all gone. My anger first turned into sadness; then, I felt completely numb, but now I’ve reached acceptance in all of this shit. I’m not thrilled about the situation, but I certainly can’t change it. I just want something positive in my life. I finally realize I can’t have a positive future if I keep dwelling on the fucked-up shit from my past.

“I wish I’d seen them sooner—but I’m happy to have read them now. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to write me… when you never knew if you would see me again.”