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Elizabeth could feel her color rising. “I assure you, sir, that I have no pretensions to flattering you. The last thing in the world I mean to do is torment you. I thank you again and again for the honor you have bestowed upon me in your marriage proposal, but it would be impossible for me to go along with it anymore by pretending it is something I truly desire.

“My feelings have changed and are, at present, in dire conflict with your expectation. Can I speak more plainly? You ought not to consider me an elegant woman trying to vex you. Instead, consider me a rational creature speaking from the bottom of my heart.”

“You are uniformly charming!” cried he, with an air of awkward gallantry. “I have listened to all you have to say, just as a gentleman ought to do, and now I shall consider the matter settled and plan accordingly. As I said, we shall be wedded once the banns are read.” Then, lowering his voice, he leaned closer. “Fear not, for henceforward, I shall make no mention of any small indiscretion that may or may not have transpired on your part during the course of our engagement. We must all have our secrets.”

Was Mr. Collins threatening her? Did he know more than he was saying, or was he merely posturing, attempting to deflect from his own shortcomings? What did it even matter at this point? His perseverance in deliberate self-deception and his persistence in considering her rejection as flattering encouragement was beyond the pale. Elizabeth would not be deterred.

Elizabeth may have lost her chance with Mr. Darcy, but her time with him, as precious as it had been and despite how it came about, had helped her find something else she had lost—her own sense of self, her desire for something meaningful in her life—passion, abiding love, children.

I want it all, she silently declared. “I want it all!”

“Pardon me?”

“I said I want it all. I cannot marry you, Mr. Collins. I want it all!”

“What are you saying?”

At last, the haze of wanting what she thought was best for others at the expense of her own needs had lifted along with her fear of leaving part of herself behind should she let go of her past.

“I am saying “no”—to you, to Mamma, my younger sisters, to my father’s legacy, to Longbourn. Finally, I am thinking only of myself and what I want. So, no, Mr. Collins, I cannot marry you, and yes, I will have the kind of life I so richly deserve. I will have it all.”

Chapter 13

Elizabeth’s declaration of freedom was not without costs. All of her family would be affected by what she had done, not the least of whom was her dearest sister, Jane. Mr. Collins’s words hung over Elizabeth like a load of bricks as she made her way to Netherfield once she escaped Longbourn House and all of her mother’s recriminations.

“I know you too well to suspect that you would ever choose a course that would cause them discomfort, nor will you shoulder your brother-in-law Bingley with the burden of providing for the lot of them.”

There was a time when Elizabeth was willing to settle for a life of comfort and security for her loved ones, a life where she had to please everyone but herself. That part of her had changed. She was no longer willing to settle for less than everything. Collins’s words may have served an apt description of Elizabeth’s sentiments some months ago, but certainly not anymore, as her refusal to marry the pompous man attested. Not anymore. Elizabeth had never considered herself a gambler. A young widow of one and twenty with no fortune and scant connections at best, her life held no guarantees. Still, she had willingly handed her life over to fate. Come what may, she meant to be content in the knowledge that she was doing what she thought was best for herself.

She prayed her sister would understand.

Sometime later, sitting across from her elder sister in the privacy of Jane’s particular parlor, Elizabeth said, “Jane, I fear when you learn what I have done, you will hate me.”

“Hate you, Dearest Lizzy. You know that is impossible.” Jane squeezed her sister’s hand. “Pray, tell me, what have you done?”

“I told Mr. Collins that I cannot marry him.”

“Bravo, Lizzy!” Jane exclaimed with energy.

This was not the response Elizabeth had expected from her sister. “How can you be so happy knowing the hardship my decision must surely wreak on Mr. Bingley and you, especially as you prepare to welcome the start of your own family?”

“What hardship are you speaking of?”

“Surely you must know. Mamma and the younger girls will have to come and live with you.”

“And what of yourself, Lizzy?”

“I—I suppose I might prevail on our uncle and aunt in town, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, for a place to live until I can gain employment as a governess or perhaps a paid companion.”

“Lizzy—no!”

“What else is there for me to do? I am willing to do anything other than marry Mr. Collins. Trust me, I have thought long and hard on the subject. The idea of spending the rest of my life with such a man is more than I can bear.”

“But what of your heartfelt desire to retain your place as mistress of Longbourn? Not that I do not applaud your decision to refuse Mr. Collins or mean to change your mind, but what of your resolve to do so for the sake of our father’s legacy?”

“I came to realize that nothing warranted the sacrifice of my own chances for happiness.”

“Does your change of heart have anything to do with Mr. Darcy?”